Today my wandering mind found it's way to Mike. I found myself thinking of his death, those sad and tragic moments when he was slipping away from me. That moment when we looked into each other's eyes for the last time. No words were spoken. But a world of love was exchanged. Soon after that he passed from excruciating pain to welcome unconsciousness from which he never returned. The tears were rolling down my cheeks as I thought about that time in my life.
Earlier in the day the nurse asked me how many children I had. I told her, one. I didn't want to talk about Mike. So I subtracted him from the equation. But he was there with me all the same. One lie led to another as the nurse talked with me about my one child. Perhaps that is why the sadness over Mike surfaced. Whether you tell people you have one child or two. That lost child is there.
On the way home, I was thinking about Dr Saven, my oncologist. He is probably in his 50's. He spent his entire career researching cancer drugs and fine tuning treatment. They have developed protocols for different kinds of cancer treatment. In my case they gave me a chemo cocktail called R-CHOP, four very powerful drugs. They know what side effects they can cause, so they give certain medications to prevent the side effects. And for me it is pretty effective. They start with an anti nausea medication into the IV before any thing else starts. They give me Bendryl and Tylenol. Im not sure what they prevent cause they WORK. So I don't have whatever it is they prevent.
But the best of all side effect preventers is the $6000 shot that I get the next day called Neulesta. Before this drug came on the scene people getting this kind of chemotherapy would experience serious drops in their white blood cell count which led to infections which let to hospitalizations which threw the chemotherapy schedule off. And that is BAD. If this drug can prevent just one hospitalization, it is worth it.
I have literally sailed through this treatment regime because of what they have learned over the years. My blood counts have been normal each time. I was thinking about all the cancer patients that went before me, the ones who suffered with nausea, vomiting, diarrhea low blood counts, infections, hospitalizations. Some died because they couldn't tolerate the chemotherapy. I stand on their shoulders. The doctors learned from them, changed their protocols, added and subtracted drugs and procedures, fine tuning a life saving process.
And so I take my hat off (revealing my bald head ;-) )to all who went before me, whose lives were cut short by cancer. You left a legacy. And I am the one who is benefiting from your suffering. To your family and friends, please know that I am grateful for your loved one who died, but left bits of knowledge behind. It is because of them that I have tolerated this whole experience so well. I will try to honor them with each day that I live.
