Living my life

My life is now taking a new turn. Cancer will no longer be the predominate theme of my blog. I am now in a post cancer reassessment  of my life. Some cancer survivors might say that life is more sweet and more dear after almost having lost it.  I dont quite feel that way. Life has always been very sweet and very dear to me. I love deeply, I feel each emotion intensely. I am capable of incredible joy and unbridled  sorrow. It has always been this way with me. 
When Mike died my heart was broken. I grieved as only a mother can grieve. I could not reconcile his life or his death. It wasnt how it was supposed to be. When he was born I looked into his innocent little face and promised him a promise that no mother can keep. But I didnt know it then. I promised him that nothing bad would ever happen to him. How naive I was. Only 24 and the world was a wealth of possibilities for all of us.  Little did I know that the bad things that would happen to Mike were things he brought upon himself.
This anguish that I was feeling after he died was inescapable. Why did he have this horrible mental illness? He had both bipolar disorder and alcoholism. And why couldnt I help him? These questions swam around in my brain over and over. Ultimately it took cancer to show me that I must let go. I would never find the answers to these questions. So I had to let them go. It was killing me, literally. The cancer was a fast growing lymphoma. The doctor said I had only had it about 3-4 months when we discovered it. That puts the beginning of it right about the time that Mike died.
Slowly as time has gone by, I have seen that Mike's life wasnt all bad. He had many many good years. He knew he was loved right up to the end. Last week a friend told me that Mikes high school classmates had a Facebook page. I joined the group for a while and identified myself as Mike's mom. Some of them didnt know that Mike had died. All of them told me what a great guy he was. They enjoyed being with him. He was friendly and happy. He was caring and supportive of his friends.
Even Mikes friends at work told me how much they liked him.

Mike at a High School reunion in 2006

Mike at the high school reunion

I have changed how I feel about Mike's life and his death. I realize that he did have a lot of good times in his life. And I understand that he chose to die both for himself and for me. He didnt want to put me through anymore sorrow or fear or concern. And he was so very tired of all of the pain.
There is a different dynamic in our family now. It is much lighter. We are still 5 people. But instead of Mike, we have Oliver, (Katie and Bruce's baby.) We dont live in fear that something terrible will happen to Mike. We know he is safe now.











We are free to love and enjoy Katie's family. We have Katie, Bruce and Oliver. We all are bonding in a new way with Oliver as our point of attraction. This is our new life. 

Oliver at 10 weeks