It isn't about cancer

I came across this quote on another blog. It is so true: 
"It isn’t about the cancer, it isn’t about what it has the ability to do to our bodies, it isn’t about the treatments or the part of us it takes away; its about the journey. Its about rediscovering the parts of yourself that you never ever knew or dreamed existed, and giving them room to grow and room to take flight. Its about seeing life through cancers eyes and being better because of it, being more whole and more alive despite it....I am still a daughter. I am still a mother, I am still a wife, I am still ME. I am still the same that I was before I found out that I had cancer, just a little morea lot more mature and a heck of a lot less naive. I still have the same heart, the same dreams, the same desires. I am still me, cancer can't take that away.


It only made me stronger."


 -especiallyheather.com

My words: 

It's about letting go of parts of my life that no longer serve me. Its about letting go of Mike. Its about letting go of my obsessive desire to move to Northern California. I can't go there when all that I need for my treatment is here. And it is so beautiful here, so peaceful. Frank is here with his steadfast love and support. My dear friends and neighbors are here.No matter where I am, I have love.  I have everything I need, no matter where I am. I feel lighter and free-er than I have in many many years.  I feel peace.

Normal Life and a big thank you.

If I wasn't bald, I would forget for days that I have been diagnosed with cancer.  I like to use that terminology because I feel that this has been taken care of even though I was diagnosed with it. I will go through the treatment plan and then move on.  I feel 100% normal and very healthy. The only issue is that I have too much appetite!  I am trying to be more careful about what I eat so I don't have to go back and loose weight all over again. I know intuitively that this isn't the time to try to loose weight. So I have to eat healthy and avoid the sweets.  I am having cravings.  Sheesh!
I am back to my pre cancer  exercise regime, gym/ Wild Animal Park. When I do either one I get this feeling of well being. The endorphins course through my body and I feel happy, peaceful centered. 
This journey has been amazing. All the things I dreaded about chemotherapy just havent materialized. Who would think that I could feel this good while undergoing chemotherapy?
Yesterday I called the doctor who first found the tumor in my gut. Her name is Dr. Day. I thanked her for saving my life. She was very touched. She said I made her day, and her Christmas. She not only found the tumor, she pushed me through the process of diagnosis and treatment very quickly. I believe that because of her quick action, the cancer has not spread to my bone marrow. This makes the treatment so much easier. I was at stage 3. If it was in my bone marrow it would be stage 4...the worst. 
Dr Day told me that it is a good thing the tumor was located where she would be able to find it. She said that the reason people die of ovarian cancer and pancreatic cancer is that by the time it is found it is too late because of the location deep within the body.  I believe that this whole thing was a part of some miraculous plan for my life. I have learned so much already!
I have cleared all resistance to this and to the other areas of my life that had me in turmoil.  Im in a place of gratitude. That feels very healing.

At last some good news

Today I had my first visit with my oncologist, Dr Saven since my first chemotherapy 10 days ago. He is pleased with my progress. My blood work is good, which means the chemo hasn't hurt my blood cells. AND the tumor is gone! This is just astonishing to me.! 3 weeks ago I had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my abdomen. The doctor promised me that the first blast of chemo would blow it away. And it did. Of course it sure didn't hurt that my 35 member family and an uncountable number of friends was praying for me.  There is no need to sort out why the tumor is gone, who did it what did it. The answer is the same. We are all in this big beautiful circle of life. It came from love. My doctor loved me enough to learn everything he could, do research and find the best way to treat this cancer.  My family loves me enough to hold me up to God in prayer day and night. God, has more for me to do. There will be many lessons to be learned from this amazing experience. But for now I can bask in the sense of relief I feel, and the sure knowledge that I will be there when little Baby Binn makes his grand entrance in January. This is the greatest source of joy for me. I will be there when my grandson is born. That is the first promise Dr Saven made to me the day he told me I had lymphoma. Im holding him to it.

C(for chemotherapy) minus 19 hours (But who's counting?)

In 19 hours I will go in to the clinic, put my arm out and let them inject me with chemicals so toxic that they must let them go in very slowly over 7 hours. The nurses will have to take special care not to expose themselves to it.
Ive spent my life avoiding toxic  things. I try to avoid eating food with pesticides, milk from  cows that have been given BPH, plastic water bottles. I could go on and on. Now that I am sick, Im going to get even MORE sick in order to get better. Does this make sense? Does anything make sense in this new world I have entered? How could I grow a tumor the size of a grapefruit in 3 months? Why can I eat almost normally with this thing sitting on my stomach? Ok, I admit, I don't want to eat very much at any one time. How can I feel so well while my body is riddled with cancer?
I could go on.
On the brighter side there are some advantages to having cancer and chemotherapy.
Here is my list so far:
I won't have to wash my hair.
I will save on shampoo and rinse.
I won't have to have my hair cut. I get a wig styled just for me instead.
I won't have to shave my legs, or armpits or pluck my eyebrows.
When I want something I can have it. Who's going to argue with a woman who has cancer??
I get my cleaning lady back!
All my loved ones are praying for me.
I get new toys just because I want them. (Hello iPhone 4S!)
I get to eat ice cream .. no guilt.
I get a therapy dog and two therapy cats at my beck and call.
I get to get closer to God and to his angels. 
The ironic thing is that I usually(but not always) feel pretty peaceful in the middle of all of this.
So all in all this has been a pretty good day.

This is the day

I have been remembering little snatches of hymns I use to sing as a teenager.
This morning I woke up with this one:
'This is the day, this is the day
This is the day that the Lord hath made
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
We will rejoice and be glad in it'
I woke up this morning with a sense of peace and well being. Im finding ways to move to this place and stay there. I have been looking at music to play when Im having chemo. As I listen I feel my connection to all that is.
It occurred to me that I can move into that place now in preparation for what is to come.
I speak gently to my body. "You are safe. You are well. All is well. I picture those little pieces of lymphoma that are scattered throughout my abdomen as little butterflies, landing for a moment then flying off. The bigger one is a baseball, ready to be hit out of the park by chemotherapy.
Im looking forward to meeting my fellow travelers on the new road I am taking. I hope we can be friends. 
I know Im not alone. I have the love of all my friends and family. I feel their love around me like a warm blanket.
And I have my angelic guides nearby. 
When I was getting counseling for my grief over Michael, my therapist told me'Take care of Sallee' She knew that I was focused out to others and I was off balance. I wasn't sure how to take care of me. Now I know exactly what to do. And I will do it.
What is the secret to finding peace about this? Love.
I love me. Even the me that is very sick. 
Now I will live this day. This is the day that is opening before me to be savored like a rich piece of chocolate candy.