Normal Life and a big thank you.

If I wasn't bald, I would forget for days that I have been diagnosed with cancer.  I like to use that terminology because I feel that this has been taken care of even though I was diagnosed with it. I will go through the treatment plan and then move on.  I feel 100% normal and very healthy. The only issue is that I have too much appetite!  I am trying to be more careful about what I eat so I don't have to go back and loose weight all over again. I know intuitively that this isn't the time to try to loose weight. So I have to eat healthy and avoid the sweets.  I am having cravings.  Sheesh!
I am back to my pre cancer  exercise regime, gym/ Wild Animal Park. When I do either one I get this feeling of well being. The endorphins course through my body and I feel happy, peaceful centered. 
This journey has been amazing. All the things I dreaded about chemotherapy just havent materialized. Who would think that I could feel this good while undergoing chemotherapy?
Yesterday I called the doctor who first found the tumor in my gut. Her name is Dr. Day. I thanked her for saving my life. She was very touched. She said I made her day, and her Christmas. She not only found the tumor, she pushed me through the process of diagnosis and treatment very quickly. I believe that because of her quick action, the cancer has not spread to my bone marrow. This makes the treatment so much easier. I was at stage 3. If it was in my bone marrow it would be stage 4...the worst. 
Dr Day told me that it is a good thing the tumor was located where she would be able to find it. She said that the reason people die of ovarian cancer and pancreatic cancer is that by the time it is found it is too late because of the location deep within the body.  I believe that this whole thing was a part of some miraculous plan for my life. I have learned so much already!
I have cleared all resistance to this and to the other areas of my life that had me in turmoil.  Im in a place of gratitude. That feels very healing.

Two Down, Four to go

It has been a good day. I like hanging out with nurses. There is a camaraderie  between us. Even when Im in the bed and they are ministering to me. My IV was kind of tricky today. I was dehydrated from yesterday's 24 hours with out food or water. So she had to put the iv in a vein that kind of snaked around my arm. So it was touchy. If I moved my hand wrong it would stop. The alarm on the iv kept going off. We played with the thing all day looking for just the right position. When it came time to main line the super toxic 'red devil' I suggested that they use another vein. I didn't want to risk it infiltrating and causing tissue damage. She got in to the other vein on my other hand pretty easily and the red devil went in without problems. But I couldn't do my usual squirming and wiggling and playing with my toys. So I put my ear buds in and turned on meditation music. I imagined those life saving chemicals moving gently through my body, nudging the cancer cells, telling them its time to go. When the last bag was hung I called Frank to come and get me. Both hand were tied up. But I was able to push the button for Siri and asked her to call Frank. She did! So cool. Add this to the list of things my iPhone does for me.. Call Frank when I can't really dial. Very cool.
Anyway, Im home now. When we got home I decided to take the dogs for a little walk. Frank and I walked to the top of the hill and back. It felt good to stretch my legs.
So far I feel pretty good. Just a bit of a buzz going on.

Home sweet home

Out of the muck of Sacramento, into the sunshine in San Diego. Its pushing 80 here. Kitties and doggies are in their usual places lolling around on my bed and the floor.
All seems right with the world. As long as I stay in the moment. The future, not so good. On Monday I will have a procedure called a trans esophageal  echo cardiogram. It seems the cardiologist thinks he saw something on the regular echo cardiogram and wants to get a better look. This will involve the usual preparation, nothing by mouth after midnight, arrive at 1:30, prepare for the procedure, get anesthetic, have the thing stuck down my throat through my esophagus all the way down to my heart. Have a look see.  Pull it out, wait for me to wake up. send me home. The next morning, back to Scripps for chemo. It isn't looking like a fun week.  Im a little more apprehensive about this latest procedure. There are more possibilities for screw ups.
It takes a lot of faith to be a patient, (And a lot of patience. (pun intended) and allow people to poke and prod my body, put instruments here and there, stick needles and put highly toxic chemicals into me.
What the heck.. what choice to I have??
Maybe I should try meditating, or crying, or laughing or loosing myself in some mindless activity, maybe a movie, maybe go for a very long very fast walk, maybe the gym.
No matter what I do, Monday is going to come.

At last some good news

Today I had my first visit with my oncologist, Dr Saven since my first chemotherapy 10 days ago. He is pleased with my progress. My blood work is good, which means the chemo hasn't hurt my blood cells. AND the tumor is gone! This is just astonishing to me.! 3 weeks ago I had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my abdomen. The doctor promised me that the first blast of chemo would blow it away. And it did. Of course it sure didn't hurt that my 35 member family and an uncountable number of friends was praying for me.  There is no need to sort out why the tumor is gone, who did it what did it. The answer is the same. We are all in this big beautiful circle of life. It came from love. My doctor loved me enough to learn everything he could, do research and find the best way to treat this cancer.  My family loves me enough to hold me up to God in prayer day and night. God, has more for me to do. There will be many lessons to be learned from this amazing experience. But for now I can bask in the sense of relief I feel, and the sure knowledge that I will be there when little Baby Binn makes his grand entrance in January. This is the greatest source of joy for me. I will be there when my grandson is born. That is the first promise Dr Saven made to me the day he told me I had lymphoma. Im holding him to it.

C(for chemotherapy) minus 19 hours (But who's counting?)

In 19 hours I will go in to the clinic, put my arm out and let them inject me with chemicals so toxic that they must let them go in very slowly over 7 hours. The nurses will have to take special care not to expose themselves to it.
Ive spent my life avoiding toxic  things. I try to avoid eating food with pesticides, milk from  cows that have been given BPH, plastic water bottles. I could go on and on. Now that I am sick, Im going to get even MORE sick in order to get better. Does this make sense? Does anything make sense in this new world I have entered? How could I grow a tumor the size of a grapefruit in 3 months? Why can I eat almost normally with this thing sitting on my stomach? Ok, I admit, I don't want to eat very much at any one time. How can I feel so well while my body is riddled with cancer?
I could go on.
On the brighter side there are some advantages to having cancer and chemotherapy.
Here is my list so far:
I won't have to wash my hair.
I will save on shampoo and rinse.
I won't have to have my hair cut. I get a wig styled just for me instead.
I won't have to shave my legs, or armpits or pluck my eyebrows.
When I want something I can have it. Who's going to argue with a woman who has cancer??
I get my cleaning lady back!
All my loved ones are praying for me.
I get new toys just because I want them. (Hello iPhone 4S!)
I get to eat ice cream .. no guilt.
I get a therapy dog and two therapy cats at my beck and call.
I get to get closer to God and to his angels. 
The ironic thing is that I usually(but not always) feel pretty peaceful in the middle of all of this.
So all in all this has been a pretty good day.

The mind, friend or foe?

My goodness but my mind has been working overtime. During the day I am able to redirect my thoughts. But at night, I can't push them away. As I try to go to sleep I think about all the things I didn't let myself think about during the day. Thank heaven for my medication. I have a certain amount of flexibility with the medication that helps me sleep. In other words, I can add more if Im not sleeping. Almost invariably I have to get up and take just a small amount more so I can go to sleep.
When I awake in the morning, I find myself putting my affairs in order. I want to finish clearing out the things that I no longer want or need that have been piling up around the house in corners and closets and drawers.  I think of random things like, Frank doesn't know how to do the income taxes. Who can I get to do it? It is super easy with Turbo Tax. But that doesn't cut it with a man who doesn't even know how to turn a computer on.
It goes on and on. 
Two more days until my first chemotherapy. We go in at 8:30 to see Dr Savin the oncologist. He will give us the results of the tests that were done last week to determine if the cancer is anywhere else in my body including my bone marrow. After that I start my first chemo session.
We are encouraged to bring the things that we need to be comfortable. Among other things Im going to bring a big long white stole that Mom made for me many years ago. It will be perfect to wrap around my shoulders if Im cold.
Today Frank and I will do more cleaning and clearing.

It's very treatable

Good news,
I finally figured out how to activate the comments. You can now leave comments 
by scrolling to the bottom of each post and clicking on, aptly enough, 'comments.
I look forward to hearing from you!


When someone learns that I have lymphoma, in an effort to reassure me, they quickly say, 'It's very treatable'. Then they usually tell me about someone who had lymphoma and now is fine. Im sure it makes the person who says that more comfortable. They are actually comforting themselves when they say it.  They are reassuring themselves that Im not going to die.  And they expect me to buy into this. Ive been researching Lymphoma. I didn't really want to do it until I had more information. There are statistics that say that 60 % of the people who have it 'do well'. What exactly does that mean? It means that they go through a very difficult period of chemotherapy and their cancer goes into remission. Sometimes it is completely eradicated from the body. Nevertheless they and their doctors have to be vigilant to be sure the cancer hasn't returned.
If it does return its back to chemo. There is also the option of radiation if the chemo doesn't work. But not to worry, its still 'treatable' If that doesn't work there is autologous stem cell transplant. We won't go there now. Hopefully we will never have to.
So, you see with each new development,when you say, 'It's treatable' That means, harsh rounds of chemotherapy when I may feel perfectly awful, or I may not. My hair will fall out, or it may not. I will be weak and tired and have a compromised immune system, or not.
When you reassure me that my cancer is 'treatable' you may not think about what I will have to go through to have my cancer treated.
Im just saying....

Hearts and wigs and apps

 This is the card I made to give to my caretakers. I want them to see the real me. I want them to remember me. And I want them to know they are appreciated. 
First of all, I want to thank all of you for your cards and phone calls and emails. They are very uplifting. Knowing that all of you are standing with me makes me feel strong and safe. I may not always return your calls. But know that I get all of your messages and treasure them.
This morning I went  in early for a sonogram of my heart to be sure it can handle the chemo. The technician was a young woman named Kim. When I walked in the door she complimented me on my little black jacket. Naturally I had to tell her about my Nordstrom's make over with Katie. We chit chatted while she did the procedure. She was impressed by my positive attitude. She said, the ones who make it have a positive outlook. I feel very fortunate that I am adjusting to this life threatening situation and that Im not frightened about what lies ahead. When she finished the procedure she put her arms around me and hugged me and prayed for me. Just my luck to get a Christian therapist!! It sure did feel nice to have someone holding me and praying for me. I gave her one of my cards that says, 'Thanks for taking care of me. You are my angel." I guess they do these cardiograms every three months or so. I hope I get to see her again.
From there I went to a store for women who have had cancer, mostly breast ,to be fitted for a wig. I decided to get the ball rolling so that I will have it when I need it. The lady carefully matched my hair color hairstyle. I certainly don't want to go from silver to black! She tried a brown wig on me because they didn't have the style I want in silver. But they will order it and it comes in the next day or so.  She took a little skull cap made out of panty hose material. When she put it on I got a glimpse of how I would look without hair. Very sobering. The brown wig looked perfectly awful. But she explained that it would be fitted and styled just for me.
It took me most of the morning to do this. I hadn't had anything to eat all morning since I didn't get up in time for breakfast. But I made it home and wasn't starving by 11;30. Thats a big change for me.
When I got home I was reading some of the cancer literature we got yesterday. Guess what! There is a chemo website guide2chemo.com
AND there is an APP for that. Can you believe it? There is an app that you can use to keep track of your appointments. And believe me there are a slew of them. It also keeps track of blood counts, fever, medicine and a detailed log. You gotta love it. BTW its a free app!
One thing I don't have to worry about is the cost of the excellent treatment Im getting. My insurance, Medicare and Tricare pays for everything, even the wig! What a blessing!

Chemotherapy class

This afternoon Frank and I went to a chemo class at the clinic where I will start chemo next week. It was very interesting and very helpful. It gave me a good idea of what to expect, what side effects can occur and what can be done about them. 
On Tuesday I will go in to the clinic and first see Dr Savin. I will get the results of the tests I had this week. I will learn whether the cancer has spread beyond my abdomen. After that I go to the chemo clinic for my first chemo therapy. It is a large room with windows looking out over a golf course with the Pacific ocean beyond. This is where the rubber meets the road. After all this build up Im going to really start being treated for cancer. The way the chemo works with this kind of cancer(lymphoma) is that it blasts the tumor and it breaks up and is excreted by my kidney. They say that the very first chemo will do this. Wow!
It is still kind of unreal to me because I feel so good. Dr Savin said that this is an aggressive cancer and I have only had it about 3 months.  That means I got it not long after Mike died. Even though the doctor  pooh poohed the idea, I know it came from my grieving and my inability to reconcile the tragedy of Mike's life with my desire to help him. My pain curled itself into a ball and lodged in my gut, From there it sent out little pieces of sadness like tears. Time to heal from the sadness. Mike doesn't need me to carry his pain any more. So I will lay it down and take care of me.

PET scan, CT scan

Today I had two diagnostic scans. One is a CT scan to determine if I have any lesions in my chest area. The technician explained that it is like an x-ray sending x-rays through my body at all angles using the big -x-ray that goes around my body as it moves me through the middle. It is primarily looking for tumors. Thats how they found the original tumors. The second was a PET scan or Positron Emission Tomography. It does the opposite of the CT scan. Radioactive glucose was put in my body through an IV. Then I waited in a quiet room in a reclining chair while it traveled through my body. No reading, iPad or even music from my iPhone. It was actually kind of nice to be disconnected from my toys and just relax and let my thoughts flow around me. 
The PET scan took longer than the CT scan. (about 20 minutes) My job was simply to hold still, not moving at all. This procedure does the opposite of the CT scan. It scans my body from my head to my lower abdomen looking for cells that are more active, putting out more energy.  I guess they can find smaller lesions than the CT scan. All in all it was a piece of cake. Kind of relaxing.
I finished about two hours later and came out to find Frank gone but his backpack there. I waited around. Pretty soon he showed up with cup of coffee from the Starbucks at the Hilton Hotel next store and a croissant. 
Very sweet and thoughtful of him, as I hadn't eaten since last night, and no coffee. He told me that while he was waiting an elderly man came out of the treatment area and was slowly walking toward the door with his walker.  Frank got up and escorted him to his car and helped him get in. That is Frank. He just does those spontaneous things. We are both seeing this as an adventure into a new and different world. 
So far so good. On Tuesday I go in for my first chemotherapy. I will see Dr Savin and he will tell me the results of the tests I had today. 
Regardless of the results the course of chemotherapy will be the same. The regime is one day getting the chemo. 4 days of oral prenisone. Then a 3 week break before the next cycle. I will be tired after about 2 weeks and I will loose my hair. Mom is busily knitting hats for me. And I plan to get a wig.
While I was in the reception area I noticed some books on sale. I was drawn to a book by Bernie Siegel, MD. It is called Love, Medicine and Miracles. 
I bought it. Im sure it will help me work with the doctors and return to health.
The odd thing is, I feel fine. Supposedly people with lymphoma are rather sick and that is what motivates them to seek help.
The next few days are a reprieve. I have heard enough bad news for one week. 

The news is not good

Im still reeling from this day. 
11AM Dr Day (the surgeon who was supposed to do the Gall Bladder Surgery, but she found a mass and pushed me through the diagnostic process.) Called me to tell me that the pathologist called and said I have lymphoma. She said they don't have the definitive diagnosis ( there are many kinds of lymphoma) But the next step is to get me to the oncologist(cancer doctor). I received a call within the hour from the nurse. She asked if I could come in at 2:30 today. Of course I said yes.
This is where it gets complicated. The Doctor is named Dr Savin. He has a resident working with him called Dr Hart. (great name for a doctor!) Dr Savin told me that there are many kinds of lymphoma. I have non Hodgkins lymphoma. But it is further catagorized between indolent(lazy) and aggressive. I have aggressive. Hence the push to get me started with treatment. I will have another series of diagnostic tests to determine if it has spread outside my abdominal area,  I have scattered tumors in my abdomen. The largest being just under my ribcage in the middle but in my abdomen. That one is the size of a grapefruit. I asked the doc how long this has been growing. He said 2-3 months. That is pretty astounding in my opinion. Especially since I have been feeling fine and have had no symptoms.
I will start chemo next week. I will have one dose every three weeks. He said the chemo blasts the cancer and it is excreted in my kidneys. I will have a high uric acid as a result and will get the same gout medication Mom takes.
He said the chemo isn't as bad as I think. Easy for him to say. I will loose my hair. I will be tired about 10 days after the chemo. He told me to do whatever I want to do. If Im up to it, then do it.
He gave me more technical information about the chemo. But I don't remember much. There is a class tomorrow about chemotherapy. So maybe I will understand it better then.
I wish I could give you all a better interpretation of all of this. It isn't necessarily a death sentence. Lets let the chemo do its work and see how it goes.
Here is an email I sent to Steve Campbell in response to his Halloween Intelligent Heart email about fear.
Wow Steve,

This is perfect for me. I have been trying to figure out why Im not panicked out of my skull over this possible cancer diagnosis. It is because of my beliefs about it. Yes, cancer is very scary. And it would mean my life would completely change course. I will have an opportunity to enter a world where few want to go, but where there are people who are being stripped of their very identity and given another one, not of their choosing. These facts can make a very interesting and valuable study.And we can support each other along the way.  The most important belief I have is about dying. Im not afraid. That is the tipping point in this. In the worst case scenario and at the same time the best case scenario,, I am safe, I am loved and all will be well. I will be met by those angelic beings who have been with me all my life. I will be with Mike and Dad who have been transformed. My dogs and kitties will be there. God will be there. Whats not to love?

If it turns out I wont die, I can still learn so much from this. I can grow and become more than I have ever been before. 

Steve Jobs put it best. The last thing he said was 'Oh Wow, Oh wow, Oh wow!

Love

Sallee

In this life and the next, we never walk alone.

The big day(I hope)

Hopefully this will be the day when I find out the results of the biopsy. I awoke at 4:30 remembering dreams about this. Once I was awake I brought my dreams into my consciousness. I don't want to put words to my thoughts here. I will wait until I know what I'm up against. I am more aware of the mass in my abdomen. I can feel it as I sit here. It doesn't hurt. Its just there.

The mind body connection

I believe that the mind and body are connected in ways we just barely understand. So I have been thinking about what my body is expressing by creating this mass in my upper abdominal area. One of my life challenges has been my weight. I lost 50 lbs about 3 years ago by dieting and religiously following a prescribed program. I was more obsessed than ever with food. Since I was counting and planning every morsel that went into my mouth, and I always felt hungry, I found myself  waiting until I could eat the next thing. the next thing was never enough. So I only got a brief respite from the hunger. I was working out regularly, pushing my body. It was wonderful to loose the weight. Even when I was 190 lbs, I was obsessed with food. So it is no wonder that my body formed a big knot in my stomach.
Another factor is Mike.Link to my blog about Michael He had all sorts of stomach issues all his life. So many times when he was with us he would be in the bathroom throwing up. He had a lot of stomach pain. When he was dying of liver failure the pain was excruciating.  It feels like I have taken on his pain, his knot in the stomach. 
Now I must figure out how to redirect my body, mind, spirit. It won't be by intellectualizing this. That won't be the path to freedom from all of this. I will simply  love my body and offer it healing and peace from the level of my soul. I will ask for wisdom and I will get it.  I will wait for love to heal. It always does.

4:45 AM Awake

It's bound to happen  I wake up in the night and instead of falling back to sleep, my thinker starts thinking. Fortunately they aren't scary thoughts. But it is unusual to be awake at this hour.

I talked to Scott and Beth last night. They have been researching lymphoma and found some encouraging information. They said that often even if it isn't totally cured, it can be put into remission and stay that way and the person has a normal lifespan. I'll go with that.  I haven't done much research. I don't want to scare myself when I really don't know yet what Im up against.

They also told me that they are all feeling pretty peaceful and optimistic. Thats the way I feel too. There is a lot of praying going on. God must be listening and sending us peace while we wait for answers. It reminds me of an old hymn:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

The biopsy

Yesterday was the biopsy. It was a piece of cake thanks to a lovely drug that Ive never heard of. First I went to the recovery room and got into the standard issue hospital gown. They started an IV and asked me all sorts of questions. How tall are you? How much do you weigh? Have you ever used 'recreational drugs?' Are you allergic to anything: medicine? food allergies?Latex? They put me on a heart monitor and a blood pressure monitor. My BP was 122/76. Pretty good for someone who just found out she may have cancer!
They let Frank sit with me. He took care of my iPod while they poked and prodded and asked me questions. In between times I opened Netflix and watched an old 50's movie called 'Daddy Long Legs" with Fred Astaire and Leslie Caron. 
Then they came an wheeled me into the room where the CT scanner was. They scanned my stomach and found the spot to biopsy. Then they told me they were going to put some medicine in my IV. That was it.. gone to a sleepy place. When I woke up I was back with Frank in the recovery room. The doc came in and told me the mass is the size of a baseball. That can't be good. He said he also saw some pieces outside of where the mass is. That surely can't be good. The mass is not attached to any organs. It is in the peritoneal cavity. I was feeling very relaxed. But the nurse wanted to go home. So at 6 o'clock They wheeled me out and we went home. The next entry will talk about Saturday.

Biopsy today

Friday October 28, 2011
I was awake in the night thinking thinking thinking. The good thing I wasn't thinking scary thoughts. I have been feeling pretty balanced in spite of the grave diagnosis. 
I finally went back to sleep and slept until 5:30. 
This afternoon I will go in to Scripps Green for the biopsy.
It has been less than 24 hours since I learned that I may have cancer. The amazing thing is that Im not overwhelmed with fear. I feel a tenderness for my body. I love my body, even though it isn't well. I talk to my body lovingly and tell it I will take care of it. I don't yet know what the future holds. How can anyone ever know? I just know I am safe. No matter what happens, I am safe. Im going to relax and trust all those who have gathered around me and will take care of me through this adventure.  I know I am loved by family and friends. I will allow that love to surround me, embrace me, carry me. 
I want to be sure Frank is cared for through this. He is full of bravado. He says he will take care of me no matter what. That might be a very tall order. I want him to have some semblance of a normal life.  Im sure my friends and family will step up to the plate and give him time to himself.
The other big concern I have is Katie. I  wish she could count on me during her pregnancy and when the baby is born. I may have to ask others in our lives to step in.  That can't be helped.
This is the day I am living. So I will think about those things on another day. 
'I will think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day' Scarlet O'Hara

Uh oh Trouble

Written on Thursday October 28, 2011
The phone call no one ever wants to get, 'You've got cancer" Turns out I was right about things not being right in my tummy. The mass the doctor felt on Monday may be lymphoma. I had a CT scan yesterday. My doc and the radiologist had a long talk and have concluded that is what it is. Now that I know it is there, I can feel it. In fact it is 6-8 inches long. Shaped like a cigar.  Lymphoma is basically cancer of the lymph nodes. The lymph nodes are a circulatory system similar to blood circulatory system. So the cancer can travel around the body pretty easily.  Tomorrow I'm having a biopsy to find out what kind of lymphomas it is if it is. Turns out there are all sorts of lymphomas.
So.. how am I taking this? So far so good. I must be still in shock. Because Im doing ok. I went out to the Wild Animal Park after I found out. It is still my place of healing and peace, no matter what storms are raging around me.
Ive asked my sister Susan to tell the family. I called Bruce my daughter Katie's husband and asked him to be with Katie when I tell her. (Remember that Katie is pregnant) Bruce suggested we wait until the weekend when he can tell her more gently. And I agree.
I told Frank when he got home from golf. And I told my friends Carmen, and Cris. Naturally everyone is shocked.
So I may be entering a whole new world. The world of people who have cancer. This should be interesting.
Today when I went in the WAP the guy who takes people's pictures asked me if i wanted one. At first I said, no. But then I thought. Lets take one when Im looking my best and hold it up as the person I really am. I scanned it into my computer and here it is.
So that's it for now, folks. Tomorrow is another day.