More about sugar

Here are my last three entries on Facebook.
I have been in a lifelong struggle with obesity. Last night 60 minutes had a report on sugar. Studies have been done that show that sugar causes obesity, heart disease, childhood obesity, diabetes and even some kinds of cancers. It seems that cancer cells have insulin receptors and just pull that sugar into the cells and grow like crazy. A huge light bulb went on in my head! As Desi Arnes would say, That 'splains' everything!!!!
One teaspoon of granulated white sugar is equal to about 4.2 grams. If you are buying a bottle of cola with 44 grams of sugar, you would divide 44 by 4.2 which is equal to 10 teaspoons of sugar. 

As I switched to a weight loss diet, I have been getting as much sugar out as possible. In effect I have been slowly weaning myself off over the last week. Im no longer craving sugar. I realize that Im a sugar addict. Many people are. If I have sweets in the house, cookies, cakes, ice cream, (all low fat of course) I can't stop thinking about them, even if I limit myself to one serving a day. 
I feel like I have been freed. 
Here is the link again: Is Sugar Toxic

An Opportunity

When you are a member of the cancer club and you meet someone who has just joined, it is an opportunity to help them find their way through a maze of conflicting fears and questions.
On Saturday Frank and I went to a Toyota dealer to buy a Prius. Our daughter Katie and her husband Bruce need a good car to transport our Grandson Oliver around. Katie's car is very old and  not safe for a car seat. Bruce's is old as well. So we decided to give them Frank's Corolla and get a Prius for Frank. We are so fortunate to be able to do this for them.
We have a dealer that we like here and have bought three cars from them over the years, Toyota of Poway. It seems that March is the month that they clear their 2011 cars to make way for the 2012  models. Sure enough they had a car that fit the bill for us. We made an initial call and talked to the manager. He told us the car advertised was still available.
When we arrived we were assigned a sales person. The car we wanted was being sold. So we were looking at a 2012 for about $1500  more. Still not a bad deal. We had just sat down to begin discussions when the manager came over and introduced himself. He told us that the people who were buying the car we wanted backed out and it was now available.
As our salesperson gathered information from us and for us, we chatted with the manager. The conversation strayed to other topics and for some reason I told him I was being treated for cancer. I think it came about because we were talking about Frank's military service and that we had Tricare insurance because of that.
The manager told us that he was about to start treatment for colon cancer. He found out a few days ago after a routine colonoscopy.
I said to him, 'Look at me! Two days ago I had  4 powerful chemotherapy drugs put in my body over a 6 hour period.' He was amazed, as obviously I was feeling great! I told him it wouldnt be as bad as he thinks. I told him that over the years they have perfected techniques of treating cancers. They know what side effects to expect and take measures to prevent them as much as possible.   It isn't going to be a walk in the park. But it is doable.
He seemed relieved to talk to someone who had 'been there' and was doing ok. At one point I pulled off my wig in the middle of the car dealership to show him bald. He was in his 50's and had a nice head of hair. I could see that hair loss was weighing on his mind.
I felt it would take away some of the stigma to see someone who was adjusting to one of the most visible and personal signs that someone that has or had cancer recently.
As we went out to claim our new car I stopped by the manager's office and said, 'Don't worry, it will grow back. It's only hair' He seemed relieved.
Paying it forward is the best!

Small Miracles

There have been so many miracles and things to be thankful for these last 3 1/3 months. When I look at them I feel safe and cared for and guided as I walk through the dizzying maze of cancer treatment. Here are a few:
1)Gall bladder attack that led me to go to the doctor. 
2)The doctor finding the tumor by simply pressing on my belly. This kind of cancer is asymptomatic in the beginning. And I was way past the beginning. Yet had no symptoms. The cancer was found just before it went into my bones. If it was in my bone marrow it would be a huge leap in how I would be treated.
3) My own sense of peace and confidence that started at the very beginning and just kept building as I saw how effective the treatment can be. 
4) One week after the first chemo session I was sitting in bed one evening when I began to have an excruciating pounding pain in my low back area. I sent an instant message to my family asking for prayer. They responded that they were on it. Within 5 minutes the pain was gone. And it didn't return. I credit prayer and divine intervention.
I asked the doctor about it. He said that it was caused by the Neulesta shot that I get the day after chemo. It is a sign that my bone marrow has kicked into high gear and is making new blood cells to replace those damaged by the chemo. This too is a miracle
4) Neulesta shot. This is one of the treatments that have evolved as they fine tune chemotherapy. It prevents blood counts from dipping so low that the person get infections that land them in the hospital and make it necessary to postpone chemo.
5) The cost of my treatment is completely paid for by my insurance. I haven't seen the bottom line. But the bills are coming in. Im thinking we are pushing $50-75,000. The neulesta alone is $6000 a pop. I get it the day after chemo. But in the long run if it prevents just one hospitalization it is worth it.
6) The timing of Oliver's birth. The first thing I said to the doctor when he told me that I had cancer was, 'My first grandchild is due in January.' He said, 'You'll be there'.
I had my 3rd chemo on December 27. It usually takes me a week to get back to normal. Oliver was born just one week later on January 2.  Katie called me at 10:30AM to tell me she was in labor. I was on a plane by 1PM. When I arrived in Oakland, Shirley(my sister) was there to pick me up. As we crossed the bay bridge Bruce messaged that Katie was just starting to push. I got there at 4:30. Oliver was born at 8:30.  Katie had serious complications after the birth. I was able to be with her to offer moral support, nursing care and my medical expertise as she received emergency treatment.

7) Oliver. Throughout the 3 weeks after he was born while Katie was in and out of the hospital, Oliver was a little trouper. Katie insisted on nursing him when she was able. She nursed him when she came back from surgery, while she was receiving blood transfusions and while she was in the ER. Oliver just latched on like a champ and nursed away. I never had to work with him to help him nurse. He just got it. At times we had to give him a bottle because Katie was in surgery or getting tests. He easily switched back and forth from bottle to breast. We were able to have someone with them 24/7 since Katie wasn't able to take care of him other than nursing him.
8) I was able to be with Katie and Bruce and Oliver for two weeks. I returned home to have my next chemo therapy right on schedule.
9) The cancer is pronounced cured after only 2 months of treatment!!!!!!!!!

Think about it. In on November 1 I was diagnosed with Stage 3 (out of 4)aggressive large B cell  that was spread all over my body.  2 months later I had a CT scan and a PET scan( which is able to detect active cancer cells before they show up on the CT scan). The reports came back completely negative. The radiologist when through my body and commented on each place where the cancer had been and commented, 'No evidence of malignant cells'  No matter how this came about, it can only be called a miracle. 
And what is a miracle? The dictionary says: a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency
That pretty much sums it up. Im keeping my eye on the miracle. I thank God every day for them. And I thank all of you who are praying for me. Im safe in this bubble of peace.

At the gym

Ready for my workout

I had another great workout at the gym. It is the best drug ever for stabilizing and balancing mood, and for making me feel that I am in control of my body. My weight stabilizes too when I keep up this habit.
When I arrived upstairs where the weights are, I ran into my trainer. She was working with a client. But she stopped a minute to say hi. I had put my last few training sessions on hold while I was dealing with the cancer. I told her the cancer was cured. She jumped up and gave me a big hug. Her client said, 'Congratulations! I have been cancer free for 5 years." I asked her what kind. She said, 'pancreatic'. This is one of the most dreaded forms of cancer. Yet here this young lady was with five years of survival under her belt. I said to her, 'It's up here' Tapping on my head. She agreed.
That isn't to say, that those who don't survive somehow don't have the right attitude. That would be wrong. 
But I must say, I have felt so well and so positive throughout this experience. That in itself is a gift. No matter what the outcome. 
I just feel so blessed.  And no better way to appreciate my body than to workout!

Nights Hats and wigs and self image

Nights have become more of a challenge lately.  I wake up all sweaty several times. I have to get up and change my t-shirt. By morning I have usually changed at least three times. My head gets really sweaty too. One night I woke up and the hat I was wearing was just soaked with sweat. I have quite a collection  of hats. I find myself changing them all day and all night. When I awake in the night with my head all sweaty, I pull the hat off and lie there bald for a while. I drift off to sleep, only to wake up because my head is cold. So I reach for a dry hat and start again. Last night my hips were hurting. Im not sure why. Maybe it was my workout yesterday. That kept me awake for quite a while. I finally took some tylenol around 4:30. It took 45 minutes for it to kick in. All in all, I lost a good deal of sleep last night.
In the day time, I wear hats around the house. I put on a wig when I go out. The wig isn't all that comfortable. The inside of it is scratchy. I wear one of my simple thin hats underneath the wig. But it feels tight on my head and gives me a headache.  Sometimes I pull it off before I even get home. I miss my hair.
I sometimes forget that I am in the middle of this adventure with cancer. But an accidental glance in the mirror brings it back.  When I see myself all bald and kind of tired looking, I am brought back to sobering reality. This is not the me I know. This is some stranger who is living in my body.  I send love to this person who is just trying to make it through each day in peace and harmony. Cancer makes one change their most basic self image.  But not just cancer. We are constantly changing our self image in response to our life events. I was Michael's mother until he died. Im still his mother. But not in the same way.  I am Katie's mother. And now she is a mother and we are relating to each other in a new way. I have a much greater appreciation of Bruce, Katie's husband. He has taken such good care of her and Oliver(my grandson).  I am also Oliver's grandmother. I never thought I would be someone's grandmother. I have a greater appreciation of Frank, my wonderful husband. He has taken care of me in so many ways since this cancer experience started. My life is like a mobile, moving and spinning and changing.  All I can do is just flow with it and remember that the cancer part is coming to an end. Im free of the cancer. I only have to get through two more chemotherapy sessions. Then I can heal from the chemo and my hair can grow back. Its all good.

It isn't about cancer

I came across this quote on another blog. It is so true: 
"It isn’t about the cancer, it isn’t about what it has the ability to do to our bodies, it isn’t about the treatments or the part of us it takes away; its about the journey. Its about rediscovering the parts of yourself that you never ever knew or dreamed existed, and giving them room to grow and room to take flight. Its about seeing life through cancers eyes and being better because of it, being more whole and more alive despite it....I am still a daughter. I am still a mother, I am still a wife, I am still ME. I am still the same that I was before I found out that I had cancer, just a little morea lot more mature and a heck of a lot less naive. I still have the same heart, the same dreams, the same desires. I am still me, cancer can't take that away.


It only made me stronger."


 -especiallyheather.com

My words: 

It's about letting go of parts of my life that no longer serve me. Its about letting go of Mike. Its about letting go of my obsessive desire to move to Northern California. I can't go there when all that I need for my treatment is here. And it is so beautiful here, so peaceful. Frank is here with his steadfast love and support. My dear friends and neighbors are here.No matter where I am, I have love.  I have everything I need, no matter where I am. I feel lighter and free-er than I have in many many years.  I feel peace.

Finished the third round of chemo

The day went well. Each dose of chemotherapy went in without a hitch. First one goes in over about 3 hours. If I were to have a reaction to it, they would have to slow it down. But I didn't, then on to the vincristin mainlined into the iv. Then the red devil, main lined over a half hour. The nurse sits there and patiently pushed it in while watching carefully for a reaction. She had to wear gloves to protect herself. If she got it on her skin it would burn her. The main thing with this drug is that you do NOT want it to get out of the vein into surrounding tissue as it will cause necrosis. Isn't it amazing that a drug into a vein is a good thing, but out of the vein is very bad. Anyway, it went in without a hitch. The last one was cytoxin. It goes in over an hour. That the one that causes a little sniffle and a headache. But a claritin and a couple of tylenol took care of that.
We got home at 5:30. I had some Trader Joes lentil soup. Delicious! Just like Mom used to make. 
Talked to Katie for quite a while making plans for the baby. All fun stuff!
Life is good!

wig, hat, wig, hat, wig, hat

In the interest of taking some of the stigma out of being bald, I have decided to talk about the various aspects of dealing with it. First let me say, that from my point of view, this is no big deal. It's just something I have to put up with for a few months while the chemotherapy takes care of the cancer. There were some doubts about whether I shaved my head too soon. The next three weeks or so, there was stubble all over my head, which would indicate that I still had hair. About a week after my latest chemo on November 29, there was a little more hair loss, but not easy to see because I was shaved. Now, about 6 weeks in, I have what could be  described as 'male pattern baldness'. Essentially the front 1/3 of my head shows no sign of hair. So, I have joined my brothers in the baldie club. Im glad I had my head shaved early on. It saved me from constantly looking in the mirror to see if I was loosing my hair and then having to make a decision to get my head shaved. I did it in one fell swoop.  Like ripping off a bandaid.
In the course of a day, I find myself changing from wig to hat to another hat back to wig and also just letting the bald hang out cause my head gets sweaty and itchy. I have my favorite hats. They are soft and come down over my ears. Here I will model a few of them. 

This little number was made by my
 Mom. I think it is kind of
pixie-ish

I call this my winter wonderland look.
It comes with matching gloves. Very soft.

This one, I got at the Chemo center.
They have a patient/family library where
they have a large selection of
free hats and wigs.
Again, very soft and stays on
when Im sleeping.

Sometimes I just take all of them off
and just go bald because my head
is sweaty or itchy. But I only do
it at home.  I don't like to go around
advertising that Im being treated for
cancer because cancer is not what
 defines me.

This is me with the wig. I like
this look the best and try to
 wear it when Im out in public

Side view. I got this wig for free
from the chemo center. I like it
better than the one my insurance
paid $300 for. Go figure.

Normal Life and a big thank you.

If I wasn't bald, I would forget for days that I have been diagnosed with cancer.  I like to use that terminology because I feel that this has been taken care of even though I was diagnosed with it. I will go through the treatment plan and then move on.  I feel 100% normal and very healthy. The only issue is that I have too much appetite!  I am trying to be more careful about what I eat so I don't have to go back and loose weight all over again. I know intuitively that this isn't the time to try to loose weight. So I have to eat healthy and avoid the sweets.  I am having cravings.  Sheesh!
I am back to my pre cancer  exercise regime, gym/ Wild Animal Park. When I do either one I get this feeling of well being. The endorphins course through my body and I feel happy, peaceful centered. 
This journey has been amazing. All the things I dreaded about chemotherapy just havent materialized. Who would think that I could feel this good while undergoing chemotherapy?
Yesterday I called the doctor who first found the tumor in my gut. Her name is Dr. Day. I thanked her for saving my life. She was very touched. She said I made her day, and her Christmas. She not only found the tumor, she pushed me through the process of diagnosis and treatment very quickly. I believe that because of her quick action, the cancer has not spread to my bone marrow. This makes the treatment so much easier. I was at stage 3. If it was in my bone marrow it would be stage 4...the worst. 
Dr Day told me that it is a good thing the tumor was located where she would be able to find it. She said that the reason people die of ovarian cancer and pancreatic cancer is that by the time it is found it is too late because of the location deep within the body.  I believe that this whole thing was a part of some miraculous plan for my life. I have learned so much already!
I have cleared all resistance to this and to the other areas of my life that had me in turmoil.  Im in a place of gratitude. That feels very healing.

Two Down, Four to go

It has been a good day. I like hanging out with nurses. There is a camaraderie  between us. Even when Im in the bed and they are ministering to me. My IV was kind of tricky today. I was dehydrated from yesterday's 24 hours with out food or water. So she had to put the iv in a vein that kind of snaked around my arm. So it was touchy. If I moved my hand wrong it would stop. The alarm on the iv kept going off. We played with the thing all day looking for just the right position. When it came time to main line the super toxic 'red devil' I suggested that they use another vein. I didn't want to risk it infiltrating and causing tissue damage. She got in to the other vein on my other hand pretty easily and the red devil went in without problems. But I couldn't do my usual squirming and wiggling and playing with my toys. So I put my ear buds in and turned on meditation music. I imagined those life saving chemicals moving gently through my body, nudging the cancer cells, telling them its time to go. When the last bag was hung I called Frank to come and get me. Both hand were tied up. But I was able to push the button for Siri and asked her to call Frank. She did! So cool. Add this to the list of things my iPhone does for me.. Call Frank when I can't really dial. Very cool.
Anyway, Im home now. When we got home I decided to take the dogs for a little walk. Frank and I walked to the top of the hill and back. It felt good to stretch my legs.
So far I feel pretty good. Just a bit of a buzz going on.

Home sweet home

Out of the muck of Sacramento, into the sunshine in San Diego. Its pushing 80 here. Kitties and doggies are in their usual places lolling around on my bed and the floor.
All seems right with the world. As long as I stay in the moment. The future, not so good. On Monday I will have a procedure called a trans esophageal  echo cardiogram. It seems the cardiologist thinks he saw something on the regular echo cardiogram and wants to get a better look. This will involve the usual preparation, nothing by mouth after midnight, arrive at 1:30, prepare for the procedure, get anesthetic, have the thing stuck down my throat through my esophagus all the way down to my heart. Have a look see.  Pull it out, wait for me to wake up. send me home. The next morning, back to Scripps for chemo. It isn't looking like a fun week.  Im a little more apprehensive about this latest procedure. There are more possibilities for screw ups.
It takes a lot of faith to be a patient, (And a lot of patience. (pun intended) and allow people to poke and prod my body, put instruments here and there, stick needles and put highly toxic chemicals into me.
What the heck.. what choice to I have??
Maybe I should try meditating, or crying, or laughing or loosing myself in some mindless activity, maybe a movie, maybe go for a very long very fast walk, maybe the gym.
No matter what I do, Monday is going to come.

Feeling great, looking like a cancer patient

Last night when I showed Frank, bald me. He said, 'Now you look like a cancer patient.' The irony here is, that I may look like a cancer patient but I FEEL perfectly normal. I have been doing my usual running around town doing errands, shopping, running down to San Diego to get my wig fitted. Last week I didn't really feel like driving and I had Frank drive me around. 
This week, I keep forgetting that I had cancer. Of course now, my bald head will be a constant reminder.
Here is my take on this: Yeah I had cancer.  But it is cured. I will have some more chemotherapy to sweep out any remaining rogue cells. Then Im good to go, back to my life full force.
In the mean time, I have joined the ranks of people who have experienced cancer. It is an exclusive club. I  plan to take full advantage of my membership. Im looking forward to making friends with my fellow travelers on the road to health, or peace or completion of this life. It's all good. I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.
Today: SACRAMENTO here I come!!!
It will be interesting to see if people treat me differently because Im obviously a person being treated for cancer.

At last some good news

Today I had my first visit with my oncologist, Dr Saven since my first chemotherapy 10 days ago. He is pleased with my progress. My blood work is good, which means the chemo hasn't hurt my blood cells. AND the tumor is gone! This is just astonishing to me.! 3 weeks ago I had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my abdomen. The doctor promised me that the first blast of chemo would blow it away. And it did. Of course it sure didn't hurt that my 35 member family and an uncountable number of friends was praying for me.  There is no need to sort out why the tumor is gone, who did it what did it. The answer is the same. We are all in this big beautiful circle of life. It came from love. My doctor loved me enough to learn everything he could, do research and find the best way to treat this cancer.  My family loves me enough to hold me up to God in prayer day and night. God, has more for me to do. There will be many lessons to be learned from this amazing experience. But for now I can bask in the sense of relief I feel, and the sure knowledge that I will be there when little Baby Binn makes his grand entrance in January. This is the greatest source of joy for me. I will be there when my grandson is born. That is the first promise Dr Saven made to me the day he told me I had lymphoma. Im holding him to it.

C(for chemotherapy) minus 19 hours (But who's counting?)

In 19 hours I will go in to the clinic, put my arm out and let them inject me with chemicals so toxic that they must let them go in very slowly over 7 hours. The nurses will have to take special care not to expose themselves to it.
Ive spent my life avoiding toxic  things. I try to avoid eating food with pesticides, milk from  cows that have been given BPH, plastic water bottles. I could go on and on. Now that I am sick, Im going to get even MORE sick in order to get better. Does this make sense? Does anything make sense in this new world I have entered? How could I grow a tumor the size of a grapefruit in 3 months? Why can I eat almost normally with this thing sitting on my stomach? Ok, I admit, I don't want to eat very much at any one time. How can I feel so well while my body is riddled with cancer?
I could go on.
On the brighter side there are some advantages to having cancer and chemotherapy.
Here is my list so far:
I won't have to wash my hair.
I will save on shampoo and rinse.
I won't have to have my hair cut. I get a wig styled just for me instead.
I won't have to shave my legs, or armpits or pluck my eyebrows.
When I want something I can have it. Who's going to argue with a woman who has cancer??
I get my cleaning lady back!
All my loved ones are praying for me.
I get new toys just because I want them. (Hello iPhone 4S!)
I get to eat ice cream .. no guilt.
I get a therapy dog and two therapy cats at my beck and call.
I get to get closer to God and to his angels. 
The ironic thing is that I usually(but not always) feel pretty peaceful in the middle of all of this.
So all in all this has been a pretty good day.

It's very treatable

Good news,
I finally figured out how to activate the comments. You can now leave comments 
by scrolling to the bottom of each post and clicking on, aptly enough, 'comments.
I look forward to hearing from you!


When someone learns that I have lymphoma, in an effort to reassure me, they quickly say, 'It's very treatable'. Then they usually tell me about someone who had lymphoma and now is fine. Im sure it makes the person who says that more comfortable. They are actually comforting themselves when they say it.  They are reassuring themselves that Im not going to die.  And they expect me to buy into this. Ive been researching Lymphoma. I didn't really want to do it until I had more information. There are statistics that say that 60 % of the people who have it 'do well'. What exactly does that mean? It means that they go through a very difficult period of chemotherapy and their cancer goes into remission. Sometimes it is completely eradicated from the body. Nevertheless they and their doctors have to be vigilant to be sure the cancer hasn't returned.
If it does return its back to chemo. There is also the option of radiation if the chemo doesn't work. But not to worry, its still 'treatable' If that doesn't work there is autologous stem cell transplant. We won't go there now. Hopefully we will never have to.
So, you see with each new development,when you say, 'It's treatable' That means, harsh rounds of chemotherapy when I may feel perfectly awful, or I may not. My hair will fall out, or it may not. I will be weak and tired and have a compromised immune system, or not.
When you reassure me that my cancer is 'treatable' you may not think about what I will have to go through to have my cancer treated.
Im just saying....

Hearts and wigs and apps

 This is the card I made to give to my caretakers. I want them to see the real me. I want them to remember me. And I want them to know they are appreciated. 
First of all, I want to thank all of you for your cards and phone calls and emails. They are very uplifting. Knowing that all of you are standing with me makes me feel strong and safe. I may not always return your calls. But know that I get all of your messages and treasure them.
This morning I went  in early for a sonogram of my heart to be sure it can handle the chemo. The technician was a young woman named Kim. When I walked in the door she complimented me on my little black jacket. Naturally I had to tell her about my Nordstrom's make over with Katie. We chit chatted while she did the procedure. She was impressed by my positive attitude. She said, the ones who make it have a positive outlook. I feel very fortunate that I am adjusting to this life threatening situation and that Im not frightened about what lies ahead. When she finished the procedure she put her arms around me and hugged me and prayed for me. Just my luck to get a Christian therapist!! It sure did feel nice to have someone holding me and praying for me. I gave her one of my cards that says, 'Thanks for taking care of me. You are my angel." I guess they do these cardiograms every three months or so. I hope I get to see her again.
From there I went to a store for women who have had cancer, mostly breast ,to be fitted for a wig. I decided to get the ball rolling so that I will have it when I need it. The lady carefully matched my hair color hairstyle. I certainly don't want to go from silver to black! She tried a brown wig on me because they didn't have the style I want in silver. But they will order it and it comes in the next day or so.  She took a little skull cap made out of panty hose material. When she put it on I got a glimpse of how I would look without hair. Very sobering. The brown wig looked perfectly awful. But she explained that it would be fitted and styled just for me.
It took me most of the morning to do this. I hadn't had anything to eat all morning since I didn't get up in time for breakfast. But I made it home and wasn't starving by 11;30. Thats a big change for me.
When I got home I was reading some of the cancer literature we got yesterday. Guess what! There is a chemo website guide2chemo.com
AND there is an APP for that. Can you believe it? There is an app that you can use to keep track of your appointments. And believe me there are a slew of them. It also keeps track of blood counts, fever, medicine and a detailed log. You gotta love it. BTW its a free app!
One thing I don't have to worry about is the cost of the excellent treatment Im getting. My insurance, Medicare and Tricare pays for everything, even the wig! What a blessing!

The news is not good

Im still reeling from this day. 
11AM Dr Day (the surgeon who was supposed to do the Gall Bladder Surgery, but she found a mass and pushed me through the diagnostic process.) Called me to tell me that the pathologist called and said I have lymphoma. She said they don't have the definitive diagnosis ( there are many kinds of lymphoma) But the next step is to get me to the oncologist(cancer doctor). I received a call within the hour from the nurse. She asked if I could come in at 2:30 today. Of course I said yes.
This is where it gets complicated. The Doctor is named Dr Savin. He has a resident working with him called Dr Hart. (great name for a doctor!) Dr Savin told me that there are many kinds of lymphoma. I have non Hodgkins lymphoma. But it is further catagorized between indolent(lazy) and aggressive. I have aggressive. Hence the push to get me started with treatment. I will have another series of diagnostic tests to determine if it has spread outside my abdominal area,  I have scattered tumors in my abdomen. The largest being just under my ribcage in the middle but in my abdomen. That one is the size of a grapefruit. I asked the doc how long this has been growing. He said 2-3 months. That is pretty astounding in my opinion. Especially since I have been feeling fine and have had no symptoms.
I will start chemo next week. I will have one dose every three weeks. He said the chemo blasts the cancer and it is excreted in my kidneys. I will have a high uric acid as a result and will get the same gout medication Mom takes.
He said the chemo isn't as bad as I think. Easy for him to say. I will loose my hair. I will be tired about 10 days after the chemo. He told me to do whatever I want to do. If Im up to it, then do it.
He gave me more technical information about the chemo. But I don't remember much. There is a class tomorrow about chemotherapy. So maybe I will understand it better then.
I wish I could give you all a better interpretation of all of this. It isn't necessarily a death sentence. Lets let the chemo do its work and see how it goes.
Here is an email I sent to Steve Campbell in response to his Halloween Intelligent Heart email about fear.
Wow Steve,

This is perfect for me. I have been trying to figure out why Im not panicked out of my skull over this possible cancer diagnosis. It is because of my beliefs about it. Yes, cancer is very scary. And it would mean my life would completely change course. I will have an opportunity to enter a world where few want to go, but where there are people who are being stripped of their very identity and given another one, not of their choosing. These facts can make a very interesting and valuable study.And we can support each other along the way.  The most important belief I have is about dying. Im not afraid. That is the tipping point in this. In the worst case scenario and at the same time the best case scenario,, I am safe, I am loved and all will be well. I will be met by those angelic beings who have been with me all my life. I will be with Mike and Dad who have been transformed. My dogs and kitties will be there. God will be there. Whats not to love?

If it turns out I wont die, I can still learn so much from this. I can grow and become more than I have ever been before. 

Steve Jobs put it best. The last thing he said was 'Oh Wow, Oh wow, Oh wow!

Love

Sallee

In this life and the next, we never walk alone.

The big day(I hope)

Hopefully this will be the day when I find out the results of the biopsy. I awoke at 4:30 remembering dreams about this. Once I was awake I brought my dreams into my consciousness. I don't want to put words to my thoughts here. I will wait until I know what I'm up against. I am more aware of the mass in my abdomen. I can feel it as I sit here. It doesn't hurt. Its just there.

The mind body connection

I believe that the mind and body are connected in ways we just barely understand. So I have been thinking about what my body is expressing by creating this mass in my upper abdominal area. One of my life challenges has been my weight. I lost 50 lbs about 3 years ago by dieting and religiously following a prescribed program. I was more obsessed than ever with food. Since I was counting and planning every morsel that went into my mouth, and I always felt hungry, I found myself  waiting until I could eat the next thing. the next thing was never enough. So I only got a brief respite from the hunger. I was working out regularly, pushing my body. It was wonderful to loose the weight. Even when I was 190 lbs, I was obsessed with food. So it is no wonder that my body formed a big knot in my stomach.
Another factor is Mike.Link to my blog about Michael He had all sorts of stomach issues all his life. So many times when he was with us he would be in the bathroom throwing up. He had a lot of stomach pain. When he was dying of liver failure the pain was excruciating.  It feels like I have taken on his pain, his knot in the stomach. 
Now I must figure out how to redirect my body, mind, spirit. It won't be by intellectualizing this. That won't be the path to freedom from all of this. I will simply  love my body and offer it healing and peace from the level of my soul. I will ask for wisdom and I will get it.  I will wait for love to heal. It always does.

4:45 AM Awake

It's bound to happen  I wake up in the night and instead of falling back to sleep, my thinker starts thinking. Fortunately they aren't scary thoughts. But it is unusual to be awake at this hour.

I talked to Scott and Beth last night. They have been researching lymphoma and found some encouraging information. They said that often even if it isn't totally cured, it can be put into remission and stay that way and the person has a normal lifespan. I'll go with that.  I haven't done much research. I don't want to scare myself when I really don't know yet what Im up against.

They also told me that they are all feeling pretty peaceful and optimistic. Thats the way I feel too. There is a lot of praying going on. God must be listening and sending us peace while we wait for answers. It reminds me of an old hymn:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.