Big day today

Today my dear friend, Cris will be having her baby via C-section. I will be leaving soon to join with her family in welcoming her little boy.
I will also see a podiatrist about my left foot. It has never been quite right since I broke my ankle three years ago. The ball of my foot starts to hurt if I walk more than two miles. I will need it to be ok if Im to walk 13 miles this fall in the Nike Womens walking half marathon.

Ancil Hoffman Park

While I was in Sacramento, I went to Ancil Hoffman Park. It is one of the most beautiful places I know. It is my Northern California Wild Animal Park. I have two lives. One in Southern California where my home, my hubby,some of my dear friends and my cats, my dogs live. And one in Northern California where my family, my Mom, my grandson and all the other 35  family members that I hold dear. I am making peace with the understanding that I will live in two places, both dear to my heart.

View of the American River

 One day while I was walking near the river I saw a flotilla of geese floating down the river. The adults were protectively surrounding over 30 goslings. It was such a special sight to see.

Notice how the adult goose keeps her head low and blends in with the young ones. She is the last line of defense if the perimeter is breached.

Visit with my brother Steve

Sallee and Steve

My brother Steve and his wife Mary came over for a Mother's Day visit. Steve is the brother who wrote the wonderful book, Making your Mind Magnificent.  He also gives lectures with this material. It changed the way I see myself, and my world.  As I learned to use the principles, I was able to create the me I want to be.  In 2009 I broke my ankle while at one of Steve's lectures. Fortunately it was on the last day. So I used what I had learned from him to cope with the broken ankle and to loose the weight I had been carrying around for many years. This part of my adventure can be found on my blog,  Maintaining a Healthy Body. It also got me through the loss of Michael and my cancer treatment. Steve uses my story in his lectures now. Im glad to be able to share it with so many this way. Steve's website is: Intelligent Heart. 

We had a lovely visit.

Visiting With Mom

Im staying with my 91 year old Mom. She is still her bright alert self in spite of the fact that her heart is not functioning as well.  I took her to the cardiologist this week. We had a long discussion. He looked back in her records to 1999 when she had her major heart attack. At that time we opted to try to care for her medically rather than put her through the risk of bypass and heart valve replacement surgery. The doctor said, 'I don't know why she is still alive considering the condition of her heart' We all know why she is still alive.  She isn't ready to go yet. She is having too much fun with her family and friends and her little dog Molly. All of her children and grandchildren are working together to keep her needs met, and to keep her in her little condo. 

Great Gramma and Oliver

While Im here I am observing her for signs of Congestive Heart Failure or dehydration. It is a fine line we are walking. Im teaching her her new medication regime. We have simplified  it. But it is still pretty complicated. I revised her medication chart. We have to keep her fluid intake balanced. So  she has a pitcher of water that she fills every day and makes sure she drinks that much and not more. I will be keeping close tabs on her even when I go home tomorrow.

It has been a lovely visit for me. I haven't been in Sacramento since last November when I had just started my chemo. I have seen  almost all of my siblings and a lot of my nieces and nephews. My next entries will talk about some of these visits,

Family Time

Cousin Adelia comes to visit

Oliver and Adelia

Me with Adelia

Digital Version of Gramma's brag book

Ollie likes his mobile

Happy boy!

Finally hit the wall

Oliver found his feet

In the mean time Grampa plays golf

Everyone needs a bottle at the end of the day

Male bonding

Visiting with Katie Bruce and Oliver

At last we get to be with Katie, Bruce and Oliver. They are doing so well. Katie is working at, a large property development company. She is very happy to have a secure position with benefits. Bruce is a fabulous Mr Mom. And Oliver is a delight, full of smiles and hugs. 

Today Im babysitting, while Frank and Bruce get in a round of golf. Thanks to the magic of the iPhone 4s I was able to take some pictures of both of us. So, here is me with a bit more fuzz.( Im just so done with the wigs.) This is the real  me! And Oliver!

Oliver has been a handful for Gramma. He slept through the night until 5:30AM when Katie nursed him. She nursed him again at 7:30 and went off to work. Frank and Bruce left at 7. So it's me in charge here. The little guy has been scarfing down Katie's breast milk all morning.  He slept for all of 1/2 hour from 8:30-9. From then on it has been eat play fuss, eat play fuss. Altogether he has had 8.5 ounces of solid gold breast milk.It's 12:30 PM.  I guess I finally got him filled up. 
Because he is happily lying in his crib watching his mobile turn. 
Im sitting in the rocking chair beside him. (The same rocking chair that I rocked Katie and Mike in)
He is a happy boy as long as his needs are met. 

Heading North

At last! After months and months of dealing with various problems we are loading up the Prius and heading to Katie and Bruce's house. It's time to spend time with Katie Bruce and Ollie and all the family up there.
Time to be in the present moment. Time to release grief once again.
"Welcome present circumstances and accept the things whose time has arrived. Keep your will in line with events".....
In other words: don't argue with what IS (in your mind or out aloud). No useless 
Would that I could.

Moving forward

Ok, enough sniffling. Time to face forward instead of back. And what better way to do that, than to receive an email from the woman who will be coaching the Nike Marathon Woman's Walk Team. She is just getting organized. We will have an organizational meeting on May 17. At last, something I can hang my hat on. In the mean time, Im getting in shape by walking 3.5 miles at the Wild Animal Park several times a week, and going to the gym on the other days.
I have never done any sort of organized athletic event. (Oh wait. I did do a 50 mile bike ride once.)  Well, we shall see how this plays out.

Hair (again!)

I read somewhere that there is a kind of a let down after chemotherapy. I think that is true. No more high drama of chemotherapy. No more doctor visits where my whole life hangs on what the doctor says. I feel quite healthy. And Im able to do everything. But Im still bald! Ok there is some fuzz there. But it has been 6 weeks since my last chemo, and it is very slow going on the hair front. I can't really put all this behind me until I can look in the mirror and see the me that used to be. Well I suppose that me no longer exists. But this me should at least have some hair on her head. The odd thing is that it is bothering me more now, than when I was totally and completely bald. I guess I had bigger fish to fry then. I now have eyebrows again. That's something! Im really tired of wearing a wig that looks like a wig! The other day I went to the gym with just my fuzz of a head. It took courage. But it was a non event. People at the gym are so into their workouts that they barely notice other people. It felt really good to have nothing on my head. The sweat was able to evaporate normally and keep my head cool. There was one man who happened to have long grey hair and a long beard who was very nice to me. He seemed to be going out of his way to strike up a conversation. I guess thats the sympathy vote, pretend everything is normal to the point that it points out that it isn't normal.
Last night I dreamed that I looked in the mirror and my hair was back, so full and long that I needed a haircut. The dream was so real that I woke up expecting it to be true. But alas, it wasn't!

A conversation with Mike

I was feeling sad today, thinking about Mike. 
So I went to the Wild Animal Park where I often can 
chat with him. 
I put our conversation on his blog, Michael, My Son.

Another donation but a bit discouraged.

Just as I was starting to get discouraged I got another donation to Team in Training.
This whole fund raising thing is a bit daunting. On the one hand I want to raise money for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. But I don't want to pressure people.  My friends at Team in Training say this should be easy because of my amazing story. I haven't really hooked up with the people Im going to be training with for the Half Marathon. So I will wait and see what I learn from them.
Im realizing that last week I was getting just a little manic over Team In Training. As a lot of you know, Im bipolar.  It has been very well controlled through medicine and therapy. I have learned to recognize when Im getting a bit too happy and excited.  That's what was happening last week.  There are just so many life events coming together that make me happy. All of them completely valid. 
Such as:
1) Being cancer free for almost 6 months
2) Finished with chemotherapy since March 1
3)Successful Gall Bladder surgery
4) My beautiful grandson Oliver
5) Meeting the people in Team in Training and being influenced by their infectious enthusiasm.


All of this is having an effect on my mood. Now you might think that it can't be all that bad to have so many positive life events. And of course it isn't. But it can become a problem if I allow my mood to balloon into euphoria. That's what starting to happen. Fortunately I realized it before I got too high.
When you have Bipolar disorder, what goes up, must come down. The pendulum swings both ways. However high I get will be followed by a matching depression 
That is what Im experiencing now. However, Im not a helpless victim of this. It killed Michael. But I won't allow it to rob me of my beautiful life.  It helps to put those depressed thoughts into words, instead of just letting those vague feelings rattle around in my head. Here they are:
1) Money not coming in to my Team in Training fundraising
2) Even though my hair is starting to come in, Im still essentially bald. When I look in the mirror, I feel bad.

3) Weight loss is stalled at 159.5. Even though I have been religiously tracking my food intake and have upped my exercise, I haven't lost a pound in about 3 weeks. A few days ago I went down to 158.5. But it's back up again.
So, yes Im a bit depressed right now. But I will move back to middle in a little while. In the mean time, Im putting Team in Training on the back burner. And just enjoying each simple moment that makes a day for me.
Life shouldn't be about pressure to do something or stress when it isn't going well. In the long run, Im going to do what is best for me.  Whatever follows will be perfect.

First donation

Today as I was working out at the gym, I received an email on my iPhone telling me that I received a donation to my Team in Training site. It is the first donation. So it is very encouraging.  
The donors are my dear friends in Germany, Heinz and Witha Lautenschlager. We have been friends for almost 40 years. In the mid 70's Heinz and Witha did a teacher exchange with the German teacher at the school where Frank taught. We had so much in common that we soon became good friends. Over the years we have gone back and forth to Germany renewing our friendship.
Witha has been following my blog. She called last week because my story moved her.
I have never been one to try to raise money for anything. In fact Im reluctant to do it. But my experience with Lymphoma has changed my mind. This is one cause I must get behind. The money that has been donated over the years has made the lifesaving research possible. This very research saved my life and made the chemotherapy tolerable. I feel that I must to pay it forward, just as someone paid it forward for me.
Im going to try to find ways to do this that will not put pressure on friends or family. I believe the money will flow in naturally, as long as enough people know what is needed and why. I hope my friends who are reading this blog will pass it on to others. 
You can keep track of my progress by watching the Team in Training widget to the right of the blog entries.

Moving my entries

Ive decided to move my weight loss blogging back to my weight loss blog,  Maintaining a Healthy Body and saving this blog for the larger picture of healing peace and paying it forward.

Progress

Full speed ahead!

Today I had my post op visit for my gall bladder surgery. All is well. Now I can start going to the gym again with just a few restrictions on my exercise routine. When I am one month out I am good to go. That will be in about 10 days. I can also gradually add fat to my diet. But since Im in the process of taking off the weight that I gained this past year, it won't be much.
There is so much behind me and so much ahead of me. What is behind me isn't going to interfere with what is ahead. If perchance I do have to deal with anything that is behind, I will do it when it comes up. I have no intention of taking away from my beautiful new life by worrying about things that may never happen. If they do happen, I will deal with it then. 
If you are glad Im still with you after my bout with lymphoma, please consider donating to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society on my fund raising page. Sallee's Fundraising Page Or click on the icon on the right. I have directly benefited from the millions of dollars raised by Team in Training over the years. Im paying it forward so that others will live. I am raising money by Walking in the Nike Women's Half Marathon in October. Please help me reach my goal!