The big day(I hope)

Hopefully this will be the day when I find out the results of the biopsy. I awoke at 4:30 remembering dreams about this. Once I was awake I brought my dreams into my consciousness. I don't want to put words to my thoughts here. I will wait until I know what I'm up against. I am more aware of the mass in my abdomen. I can feel it as I sit here. It doesn't hurt. Its just there.

The mind body connection

I believe that the mind and body are connected in ways we just barely understand. So I have been thinking about what my body is expressing by creating this mass in my upper abdominal area. One of my life challenges has been my weight. I lost 50 lbs about 3 years ago by dieting and religiously following a prescribed program. I was more obsessed than ever with food. Since I was counting and planning every morsel that went into my mouth, and I always felt hungry, I found myself  waiting until I could eat the next thing. the next thing was never enough. So I only got a brief respite from the hunger. I was working out regularly, pushing my body. It was wonderful to loose the weight. Even when I was 190 lbs, I was obsessed with food. So it is no wonder that my body formed a big knot in my stomach.
Another factor is Mike.Link to my blog about Michael He had all sorts of stomach issues all his life. So many times when he was with us he would be in the bathroom throwing up. He had a lot of stomach pain. When he was dying of liver failure the pain was excruciating.  It feels like I have taken on his pain, his knot in the stomach. 
Now I must figure out how to redirect my body, mind, spirit. It won't be by intellectualizing this. That won't be the path to freedom from all of this. I will simply  love my body and offer it healing and peace from the level of my soul. I will ask for wisdom and I will get it.  I will wait for love to heal. It always does.

4:45 AM Awake

It's bound to happen  I wake up in the night and instead of falling back to sleep, my thinker starts thinking. Fortunately they aren't scary thoughts. But it is unusual to be awake at this hour.

I talked to Scott and Beth last night. They have been researching lymphoma and found some encouraging information. They said that often even if it isn't totally cured, it can be put into remission and stay that way and the person has a normal lifespan. I'll go with that.  I haven't done much research. I don't want to scare myself when I really don't know yet what Im up against.

They also told me that they are all feeling pretty peaceful and optimistic. Thats the way I feel too. There is a lot of praying going on. God must be listening and sending us peace while we wait for answers. It reminds me of an old hymn:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

Waiting

So it's the weekend. The waiting game is happening. So Im keeping busy. My computer decided to help by making a strange beeping sound when I tried to wake it up this morning. My brother-in-law Steve, an Apple genius,
said that the ram needed to be reseated. So I made an appointment at the Apple store. I love going to the Apple store. It's my Tiffanies. Remember the movie, Breakfast at Tiffanies? Thats where Holly Golightly went when she had the 'mean reds' (Worse than the blues) Fortunately I don't have that. But I still feel that nothing bad can happen at the Apple store. So I whiled away a couple hours getting my computer sorted out and learning how to do a thing that had frustrated me for some time.
Later that afternoon my friend Cris came over and Frank and I and she had a lovely chat.
Thats my day. Tomorrow is another day. Then I have to get through Monday and hope the biopsy with come back. Then I will know if my whole world is going to turn upside down.

The biopsy

Yesterday was the biopsy. It was a piece of cake thanks to a lovely drug that Ive never heard of. First I went to the recovery room and got into the standard issue hospital gown. They started an IV and asked me all sorts of questions. How tall are you? How much do you weigh? Have you ever used 'recreational drugs?' Are you allergic to anything: medicine? food allergies?Latex? They put me on a heart monitor and a blood pressure monitor. My BP was 122/76. Pretty good for someone who just found out she may have cancer!
They let Frank sit with me. He took care of my iPod while they poked and prodded and asked me questions. In between times I opened Netflix and watched an old 50's movie called 'Daddy Long Legs" with Fred Astaire and Leslie Caron. 
Then they came an wheeled me into the room where the CT scanner was. They scanned my stomach and found the spot to biopsy. Then they told me they were going to put some medicine in my IV. That was it.. gone to a sleepy place. When I woke up I was back with Frank in the recovery room. The doc came in and told me the mass is the size of a baseball. That can't be good. He said he also saw some pieces outside of where the mass is. That surely can't be good. The mass is not attached to any organs. It is in the peritoneal cavity. I was feeling very relaxed. But the nurse wanted to go home. So at 6 o'clock They wheeled me out and we went home. The next entry will talk about Saturday.

Biopsy today

Friday October 28, 2011
I was awake in the night thinking thinking thinking. The good thing I wasn't thinking scary thoughts. I have been feeling pretty balanced in spite of the grave diagnosis. 
I finally went back to sleep and slept until 5:30. 
This afternoon I will go in to Scripps Green for the biopsy.
It has been less than 24 hours since I learned that I may have cancer. The amazing thing is that Im not overwhelmed with fear. I feel a tenderness for my body. I love my body, even though it isn't well. I talk to my body lovingly and tell it I will take care of it. I don't yet know what the future holds. How can anyone ever know? I just know I am safe. No matter what happens, I am safe. Im going to relax and trust all those who have gathered around me and will take care of me through this adventure.  I know I am loved by family and friends. I will allow that love to surround me, embrace me, carry me. 
I want to be sure Frank is cared for through this. He is full of bravado. He says he will take care of me no matter what. That might be a very tall order. I want him to have some semblance of a normal life.  Im sure my friends and family will step up to the plate and give him time to himself.
The other big concern I have is Katie. I  wish she could count on me during her pregnancy and when the baby is born. I may have to ask others in our lives to step in.  That can't be helped.
This is the day I am living. So I will think about those things on another day. 
'I will think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day' Scarlet O'Hara

Uh oh Trouble

Written on Thursday October 28, 2011
The phone call no one ever wants to get, 'You've got cancer" Turns out I was right about things not being right in my tummy. The mass the doctor felt on Monday may be lymphoma. I had a CT scan yesterday. My doc and the radiologist had a long talk and have concluded that is what it is. Now that I know it is there, I can feel it. In fact it is 6-8 inches long. Shaped like a cigar.  Lymphoma is basically cancer of the lymph nodes. The lymph nodes are a circulatory system similar to blood circulatory system. So the cancer can travel around the body pretty easily.  Tomorrow I'm having a biopsy to find out what kind of lymphomas it is if it is. Turns out there are all sorts of lymphomas.
So.. how am I taking this? So far so good. I must be still in shock. Because Im doing ok. I went out to the Wild Animal Park after I found out. It is still my place of healing and peace, no matter what storms are raging around me.
Ive asked my sister Susan to tell the family. I called Bruce my daughter Katie's husband and asked him to be with Katie when I tell her. (Remember that Katie is pregnant) Bruce suggested we wait until the weekend when he can tell her more gently. And I agree.
I told Frank when he got home from golf. And I told my friends Carmen, and Cris. Naturally everyone is shocked.
So I may be entering a whole new world. The world of people who have cancer. This should be interesting.
Today when I went in the WAP the guy who takes people's pictures asked me if i wanted one. At first I said, no. But then I thought. Lets take one when Im looking my best and hold it up as the person I really am. I scanned it into my computer and here it is.
So that's it for now, folks. Tomorrow is another day.

My CT Scan

Just in case someone wonders what a CT scan is like. Here it is:
1) Go to lab have blood drawn, (BUN and Creatinine) to be sure your kidneys can tolerate the contrast dye.
2) Go downstairs to radiology. Wait for the results of the blood tests.(about 45 minutes)
3) Called to the back given two jars of barium to drink Each jar is about a quart. Drink one, then wait 1/2 hour then drink the other one. It tasted sorta like a vanilla shake. (I said sorta)
3)Wait for all of it to move through intestines.(about a half hour) In the mean time I watched a movie on my iPad and answered questions about my iPad from the other patients who were waiting and the nurse.
4) Called to the CT scan room. See previous post for a picture of the machine.
5) Lie on your back with your feet  going into the machine. . Nurse starts and IV for the contrast die she will be putting in. It seems the barium isn't enough. That shows the Gastrointestinal track. They also want to light up blood vessels and things. 
6) The fun begins. Both arms over my head. In I go. There is a big stainless steel wheel going all around my body. The machine tells me to stop breathing(a man's voice) Then it backs me out. There is a little cartoon of a man holding his breath. It is lit up. Then the machine tells me to breathe and another little cartoon lights up with the man letting his breath out.
7) Back in I go for another round. The nurse said that the machine takes several hundred pictures while it moves me in and out. These are highly sophisticated x-rays that slice me up into thin little pieces like a deli ham.
8) Now the contrast dye goes in. They warned me that I would feel flushed for a few minutes. Then I would feel the dye going through my body all the way down to my bladder. They were right. But it passed quickly. No big deal.
9) That's it.  Done. Now we just have to wait for the results.
One more thing. Drink lots of water to flush all that stuff out of my system.

CT Scan today

Today I will have my CT scan.  It is a relatively simple proceeder. Or so I am told. Ive never had one.I will fast for 2 hours. I go in to Scripps clinic at 12:30 and have blood drawn. They want to be sure my kidneys are working well before they give me the contrast dye. Then I go down to radiology where they give me the contrast dye to drink. I wait an hour. Then they do the CT scan. Im glad I am having this procedure. Something isn't right in my tummy. There is a fullness there. A discomfort.  I don't really want to each much. I am eating very low fat as per doctors orders.  I don't want to eat much at any one time. Im sticking to simple things, such as non fat yogurt, oatmeal, toast, graham crackers, fresh fruit. I absolutely don't want any meat of any kind . Even vegetables are unappealing. I may make some soup today. 
What is a CAT or CT scan? Funny you should ask. 

What is CT Scanning of the Body?

CT scanning—sometimes called CAT scanning—is a noninvasive medical test that helps physicians diagnose and treat medical conditions.

CT scanning combines special x-ray equipment with sophisticated computers to produce multiple images or pictures of the inside of the body. These cross-sectional images of the area being studied can then be examined on a computer monitor, printed or transferred to a CD.

CT scans of internal organs, bones, soft tissue and blood vessels provide greater clarity and reveal more details than regular x-ray exams.

Using specialized equipment and expertise to create and interpret CT scans of the body, radiologistscan more easily diagnose problems such as cancers, cardiovascular disease, infectious disease, appendicitis, trauma and musculoskeletal disorders.

Surgery Scheduled

Ok, I got the call from Scripps clinic to schedule my CT scan and my surgery. They are very efficient. I will have the CT scan of my abdomen tomorrow at the Scripps Rancho Bernardo facility. On Friday I go down to Scripps Green in La Jolla for my preop visit with the nurse and my EKG and lab work. 
The surgery is scheduled for 12;30 Thursday Nov 3.
This is just what I want, get going get it done, get healed, Move on to other things.

What a year!

This year has been full of surprises. Some good, some great and some not so good. The not so good. Mike, my 42 y/o son died. See blog: My blog about Mike.  The great: Katie, my 41 y/o daughter is pregnant for the first time. It's a boy, due January 25.
The latest challenge: I have stones in my gall bladder and will need to have it removed. 
I had a gall bladder 'attack' last week. I woke up in excruciating pain. There was nothing I could do but wait it out. It lasted about a half hour then passed and I went back to sleep. I knew it was my gall bladder because I had one other attack a year and a half ago.  I was in Sacramento at the time. I got on the internet and tried to find a doctor up there. I hit a brick wall. Either they weren't taking new patients or they wouldn't take medicare.  So I decide to set myself up with the doctor I already had in place in San Diego from my last incident  When I had the attack a year and a half ago I went to a surgeon to discuss my options. I decided to wait  since I felt so good. I promised myself that I would have my gall bladder removed if I had another episode. So Im making good on my promise.
I went in to see Dr Day with Frank yesterday. She discussed my options and possible complications. When she examined me she found a hard place in my abdomen just above my stomach. She said it isn't really where the gall bladder should be. I told her I was also having some discomfort in my right lower abdomen about where my appendix is.It feels like ovulation pain. But I went through menopause 15 years ago. So it isn't that. She decided to do a CAT scan of my whole abdomen. Im waiting for the call to set it up. The plan is to have the CAT scan this week and the surgery next week.
Things just don't feel right in my abdominal area. It is hard to describe. It isn't really pain. It's just 'not right'
I am to eat a low fat diet from now until 6 weeks after the surgery. My diet had slipped a little while I was in Sacramento. I stuck with it pretty well but was allowing the fat to sneak in via low fat milk instead of nonfat. Low fat yogurt, butter on my whole wheat great. A bit of full fat PB instead of the non fat reconstituted kind.
Im actually happy to have the motivation to go back to my low fat diet. I have gained 10 lbs since Mike died. Time to take it off.

San Francisco! Katie, the ballet and Nordstroms

After spending a couple of days with my dear special 90 year old mother,  Toby and I were off to San Francisco to spend a couple of days with my daughter, Katie.
Katie was eager to spend a little time with me, and with Toby. She had lost her dog a few months ago, and  was hungry for some dog time.
On Thursday I went to Katie's house and settled Toby in. Toby is an easy going guy. He adapts easily to new environments.  He has been trained from puppyhood to work as a therapy dog in all kinds of situations. His training has come in handy on this trip.
Then it was off to the city for dinner at my son in laws restaurant, Thermidor.(Delicious) and then the ballet with Katie. We saw Giselle with the San Francisco Ballet, It was sensational!
The next day Katie and I and Toby and Katie's husband Bruce went for a walk up Bernal Heights hill. It was a sparkling day in San Francsico.

Waiting

Today we are waiting for the birth of a new baby. My sister Shirley's daughter is in labor.  It is her first baby and things are going as expected.... slowly.
But she is making progress. So they are allowing her to continue at home. She has a doula(a trained birth support person). That can make all the difference.
Im enjoying every minute of my extended stay in Northern California.
Last night I went out to Roseville to visit my Vietnamese friends. I met them in 1976 when Viet Nam fell to the communists and the USA evacuated 100,000 people in one week. 
Some of them were taken to Camp Pendleton, a marine base near my home.  I went out as a volunteer and helped find sponsors for them and help them adjust to life in the USA. Some of them are still my friends. The couple I visited today are people who have accomplished a lot since they arrived on our shores. He became an engineer and worked for Hewlitt Packard. He is now retired as is she. 
We talked about our kids. They grieved with me over Michael. We talked about his life and his death. They shed tears with me. Thats what friends do.