Happy New Year

May 2012 bring peace and joy and healing as we celebrate LIFE

 

Taking pictures

I went out to the San Diego Zoo Safari Park today
and had some fun with my iPhone 4s. It has a great
lens. Ive found an online community and some great
apps to edit my photos. Above is a raw picture with no
editing. The light was what made the water so unusual.

This is the same photo edited in an App called Iris.
This is an art filter.

Amazing

Thats all I can say. Two days after chemo and I feel just fine. This morning I took the dogs for a walk in the groves. Then I gave them both a bath. I did two loads of laundry and cleaned out a cupboard and a drawer. After that I went to the store and mailed a package and picked up a prescription. 
Im not even tired. But Im taking it easy in honor of the work my body is doing to keep me well.

Awake

It's 12am and I'm awake. I have a headache and insomnia. They said the cortisone that they put in my IV can cause insomnia. The headache is from the last drug they gave me, cytoxin. The headache started when the cytoxin was going in. I have spent the last 4 hours taking this pill and that looking for the right combination. I even took a nausea pill since I had a touch of nausea. It helped.I also put on some
Meditation music on my iPhone. It was nice and relaxing. But it didn't put me to sleep.
Being the good nurse that I am, I created a medication chart the last time. Pretty much the same thing happened. The last med I took the last time was my old standby Syroquel. It pretty much guarantees a good night sleep. Except when I have had chemotherapy.
Eventually it all caught up with me and I got some sleep. Hopefully the same thing will happen tonight.
I'm carefully keeping the med chart. I have to be careful. And I want to know what works.

It isn't about cancer

I came across this quote on another blog. It is so true: 
"It isn’t about the cancer, it isn’t about what it has the ability to do to our bodies, it isn’t about the treatments or the part of us it takes away; its about the journey. Its about rediscovering the parts of yourself that you never ever knew or dreamed existed, and giving them room to grow and room to take flight. Its about seeing life through cancers eyes and being better because of it, being more whole and more alive despite it....I am still a daughter. I am still a mother, I am still a wife, I am still ME. I am still the same that I was before I found out that I had cancer, just a little morea lot more mature and a heck of a lot less naive. I still have the same heart, the same dreams, the same desires. I am still me, cancer can't take that away.


It only made me stronger."


 -especiallyheather.com

My words: 

It's about letting go of parts of my life that no longer serve me. Its about letting go of Mike. Its about letting go of my obsessive desire to move to Northern California. I can't go there when all that I need for my treatment is here. And it is so beautiful here, so peaceful. Frank is here with his steadfast love and support. My dear friends and neighbors are here.No matter where I am, I have love.  I have everything I need, no matter where I am. I feel lighter and free-er than I have in many many years.  I feel peace.

Finished the third round of chemo

The day went well. Each dose of chemotherapy went in without a hitch. First one goes in over about 3 hours. If I were to have a reaction to it, they would have to slow it down. But I didn't, then on to the vincristin mainlined into the iv. Then the red devil, main lined over a half hour. The nurse sits there and patiently pushed it in while watching carefully for a reaction. She had to wear gloves to protect herself. If she got it on her skin it would burn her. The main thing with this drug is that you do NOT want it to get out of the vein into surrounding tissue as it will cause necrosis. Isn't it amazing that a drug into a vein is a good thing, but out of the vein is very bad. Anyway, it went in without a hitch. The last one was cytoxin. It goes in over an hour. That the one that causes a little sniffle and a headache. But a claritin and a couple of tylenol took care of that.
We got home at 5:30. I had some Trader Joes lentil soup. Delicious! Just like Mom used to make. 
Talked to Katie for quite a while making plans for the baby. All fun stuff!
Life is good!

3rd chemo

Today is my third chemo. We start by seeing the doc so he can go over my blood tests and answer questions. My blood tests are excellent. The first doc that came in told me I look great. I told her I feel great. Frank asked her if other patients do as well as I do.. She said yes. But not as good as me. She was amazed to hear that I am going to the gym and Wild Animal Park regularly. Dr Saven came in next and told me I doing great. He promised me again that I will be there when Baby Binn is born.we will work the chemo around it. Im scheduled for the next chemo on Jan 17 a few days before that I will have a PET scan, CT SCAN and heart echo. To see where we are. Baby Binn needs to hold off til after the 17th. I asked him about my weight gain. He said that the prednisone is the cause. I asked him if I should try to loose wt. he said emphatically no. Don't loose weight while on chemo. What a relief! I'm going to cut out sugar. And eat healthy and not worry about it. I'm in the chair now with the first IV going in. I gave the docs my 'you are my angel, card. One of them said, "You seem to have lots of angels". I sure do. Thanks to all of you who are praying for me. I feel it. I'm feeling sooo peaceful.

Wally

I was thrilled to get a visit from therapy dog Wally during chemo.

Creating Christmas

I have to admit it was tough not being in Sacramento for Christmas. Not only did we (Frank missed it too) miss the craziness that happens when all the Campbells get together. We also missed the baby shower for Katie and Bruce and Baby Binn. I wanted to use FaceTime to connect to them with my iPad. It's like Skype, but for Apple people. But when I called them on Saturday, it was so confusing and loud, that I gave up. I broke down and cried. It is the first time I have really cried since this whole cancer thing started. Once I started crying I couldn't stop. I decided to just let it happen.  Later in the day Shirley messaged and offered to try FaceTime. But I just couldn't do it. 
Bottom line, Christmas eve was a wash. 
We woke up Christmas day to sunshine and blue skies. The day promised to be the best weather day in the whole country. It lived up to it's promise by warming to 80 degrees.
I got up and wished Frank a Merry Christmas. There were no presents, and no tree. Frank and I don't get each other presents. We find it is so much simpler to just go out and get what we want when we want it. No elaborate hinting and searching for what has been hinted about. No need to return things that aren't quite right. I sit here typing on my beautiful Macbookpro, laptop. My iPad and iPhone sit near by. All 'gifts' I have bought for myself when the timing was perfect. Frank has a shiver full of golf clubs bought the same way.
We filled up our day with different activities. I started at the Wild Animal Park. I thought it would be deserted. But no. It seems that families from India and China and Japan go to the Wild Animal Park on Christmas Day. There were very few Caucasians there. It was a delight to share the park with them. The day was spectacular. I had some nice little conversations with Mike as I walked around. Nothing too deep. 
When I got home we went to a movie called, 'We bought a zoo'. It was very sweet. At around 3:30 we went to our dear friends and neighbor's home for Christmas Dinners. Our friendship with the Ryan family goes back 40 years. We raised our families together on Oro Verde Rd. We felt right at home with them.
When we got home we did some FaceTime with the remaining family members in Sacramento who were at Shirley's house for Christmas dinner.

Christmas at the Ryans

Time to get ready for my next chemo. I go in today to have blood work. Tomorrow it's back to Scripps Green for chemotherapy.

Christmas in San Diego

Here we are in San Diego for Christmas. Frank wanted to make yesterday special, since we would have been flying to Sacramento. So we went to San Diego and had lunch at one of  our favorite restaurants, Anthony's Fish Grotto. Then we drove over to Coronado Island to the Hotel Del Coronado to watch the ice skaters and see the beautiful Christmas tree in the lobby.  Rather than try to describe it, I will put up some pictures.

Palm Trees and Ice Skaters

Skaters at the Del in 70 degree weather

The tree at the Del

Ornament on the tree

Missing Christmas

I have decided not to go to Sacramento for Christmas. The reason is that my Mom, who is 92 has pneumonia and a cold. The plan was for Frank and I and Katie and Bruce to stay with her.  Also, my sister Susan has a cold. The whole family was together last Sunday to celebrate my Mom's birthday. So they potentially were exposed. It is very important that I be in good health so that I can have the chemotherapy and tolerate it. If I were to be exposed to this, I could be harboring it when I have my chemo on Tuesday. Since the chemo is hard on the immune system, I could get very sick from a virus that is just annoying to someone else.
We also don't want Frank to get the cold. Because he would then expose me.
I ran this scenario by the oncologist's nurse. She agreed that it would be prudent to not go. She pointed out that it is important to get the chemo in so that I will be able to have next Christmas with the family.   My priority is the cancer treatment and being healthy for Katie and Bruce when the baby is born at the end of January.
Of course Im sad. Christmas is just such a wonderful time for all of us. Also, I will miss the family baby shower for Katie and Bruce and Baby Binn.
However  I did get to go to the San Francisco shower. I also had a wonderful weekend with Katie and Bruce.
I saw a good part of the family on Thanksgiving, and also on my last trip to Sacramento just before the cancer was discovered.
So, that's that. No use crying over something that shouldn't be changed. 

Gaining weight. Help!

It's time to debunk the myth that people who are being treated for cancer loose weight and waste away. As with all aspects of this amazing adventure, the opposite is true for me. I have had more appetite than I usually do. I crave food. For the most part I want healthy non processed food. But I also have a sweet tooth, and I want to eat crunchy things.  I have been working out regularly. Im sure that is a reason why Im just hungry all the time. My body seems to want to balance the energy expenditure with my caloric intake. Well, obviously it isn't really balanced. There is more going in than coming out.
 I can no longer wear the cool jeans I got last January when Katie and I did our 'What not to wear' thing at Nordstroms last year. Today I got on the scale and found that I had gained 5 pounds since I started chemo. Altogether I have gained 15 pounds since Mike died. The thought of going on a full out weight loss program is just too much for me with all I have going on.  I just don't know what to do about this. Im hungry a good deal of the time. Normally I would just live with this feeling and make good choices and plan carefully.  It just feels like the brakes are off and Im rolling down a hill faster and faster. 
The doctor says that the prednisone I taken as part of my chemo cocktail can cause this. The prednisone helps prevent some of the side effects from the chemo. But it does make you hungry too. Im going to ask him what to do about this when I see him next week.
Christmas is coming up. We leave tomorrow for Sacramento. We will only be staying for 4 days. That is a good thing. It means that I will only have 4 days to eat Christmas stuff. We return to SD on Monday. On Tuesday I have my next chemo.
As with all aspects of my life, I know the answer to this dilemma is in my head. I just need to figure out how to access it.

wig, hat, wig, hat, wig, hat

In the interest of taking some of the stigma out of being bald, I have decided to talk about the various aspects of dealing with it. First let me say, that from my point of view, this is no big deal. It's just something I have to put up with for a few months while the chemotherapy takes care of the cancer. There were some doubts about whether I shaved my head too soon. The next three weeks or so, there was stubble all over my head, which would indicate that I still had hair. About a week after my latest chemo on November 29, there was a little more hair loss, but not easy to see because I was shaved. Now, about 6 weeks in, I have what could be  described as 'male pattern baldness'. Essentially the front 1/3 of my head shows no sign of hair. So, I have joined my brothers in the baldie club. Im glad I had my head shaved early on. It saved me from constantly looking in the mirror to see if I was loosing my hair and then having to make a decision to get my head shaved. I did it in one fell swoop.  Like ripping off a bandaid.
In the course of a day, I find myself changing from wig to hat to another hat back to wig and also just letting the bald hang out cause my head gets sweaty and itchy. I have my favorite hats. They are soft and come down over my ears. Here I will model a few of them. 

This little number was made by my
 Mom. I think it is kind of
pixie-ish

I call this my winter wonderland look.
It comes with matching gloves. Very soft.

This one, I got at the Chemo center.
They have a patient/family library where
they have a large selection of
free hats and wigs.
Again, very soft and stays on
when Im sleeping.

Sometimes I just take all of them off
and just go bald because my head
is sweaty or itchy. But I only do
it at home.  I don't like to go around
advertising that Im being treated for
cancer because cancer is not what
 defines me.

This is me with the wig. I like
this look the best and try to
 wear it when Im out in public

Side view. I got this wig for free
from the chemo center. I like it
better than the one my insurance
paid $300 for. Go figure.

Normal Life and a big thank you.

If I wasn't bald, I would forget for days that I have been diagnosed with cancer.  I like to use that terminology because I feel that this has been taken care of even though I was diagnosed with it. I will go through the treatment plan and then move on.  I feel 100% normal and very healthy. The only issue is that I have too much appetite!  I am trying to be more careful about what I eat so I don't have to go back and loose weight all over again. I know intuitively that this isn't the time to try to loose weight. So I have to eat healthy and avoid the sweets.  I am having cravings.  Sheesh!
I am back to my pre cancer  exercise regime, gym/ Wild Animal Park. When I do either one I get this feeling of well being. The endorphins course through my body and I feel happy, peaceful centered. 
This journey has been amazing. All the things I dreaded about chemotherapy just havent materialized. Who would think that I could feel this good while undergoing chemotherapy?
Yesterday I called the doctor who first found the tumor in my gut. Her name is Dr. Day. I thanked her for saving my life. She was very touched. She said I made her day, and her Christmas. She not only found the tumor, she pushed me through the process of diagnosis and treatment very quickly. I believe that because of her quick action, the cancer has not spread to my bone marrow. This makes the treatment so much easier. I was at stage 3. If it was in my bone marrow it would be stage 4...the worst. 
Dr Day told me that it is a good thing the tumor was located where she would be able to find it. She said that the reason people die of ovarian cancer and pancreatic cancer is that by the time it is found it is too late because of the location deep within the body.  I believe that this whole thing was a part of some miraculous plan for my life. I have learned so much already!
I have cleared all resistance to this and to the other areas of my life that had me in turmoil.  Im in a place of gratitude. That feels very healing.

Well being

It's the most amazing thing. Here I am being treated for cancer, yet I feel just fine. In fact I feel more than fine. I am finally at peace. As I move through my life, I realize that I have released all resistance.  I was struggling with some parts of my life. I couldn't find peace. It felt like there were no solutions to my perceived problems.
I was hurting over Mike's life. I have released that pain. I can think about him without crying. Of course I am sad. But Im not conflicted any more.
 I have wanted so much to move to northern California for so long.  I wasn't happy no matter where I was. My inner dialog went something like this: 'If only I could live in N Cal and be near my family, I would be happy'. Whether I was there or here in Escondido, I wasn't really happy.  I was driven by a restless energy, trying so hard to create a life that felt right to me.
Now, I have no choice but to be here in Escondido while I am being treated for  cancer.  I will need to have continued follow up here. It is a gift. I realize now that I love this life here. 

 San Diego County is one of the most beautiful places on earth. The weather is probably the nicest in the country, winter or summer.  I am 3 miles from the Wild Animal Park where I have spent endless hours wandering. The positive energy there is enough to keep me connected to my Source, or reconnect me when I have lost my connection.
I have my,loving husband, my dear little house, my gentle animals.  The peace surrounding this place could never be duplicated in Sacramento, with it's traffic and constant sirens and busyness.
I have been given a gift with this cancer. I have been given a whole new perspective with which to live my life.
I am free of Michael. He gave me that. I am free of my longings.  I am at peace.

Eating and walking

As with all other aspects of my life, I have had new experiences in eating since starting chemotherapy. My attitude toward food has changed. At first, when I started chemotherapy, I thought I would loose my appetite or would be nauseated and unable to eat. I was told this could happen.  I laid in a supply of high calorie easy to digest food for the occasion. Then I sat back and waited. As with so many aspects of this experience, what I thought would happen, never happened. I found that I could eat pretty much what I wanted with no repercussions. However my tastes changed. I no longer wanted the huge salads I had been eating every day since I started my weight loss journey 3 years ago. I don't want any kind of meat. I want fresh fruit, cooked vegetables, yogurt, whole grains and plant based protein. I also don't want processed food such as frozen dinners.  At first I was eating a lot of ice cream. But I have lost my taste for it.
My weight has stayed stable. The doctor told me I might gain weight because the 5 days of prednisone I take after chemo makes you hungry. At least that hasn't happened. Ive resumed going to the gym and the Wild Animal Park. I find that both activities bring me much joy and happiness. For so long these two activities have been food for the soul as well as the body. It's wonderful to be doing them on a regular basis again.
I went to the Wild Animal Park today. There was hardly anyone there. I wandered around peacefully drinking in the beauty of the place. It was one of those patented San Diego days, 70 degrees and sunny. Life is beautiful!

Small Pleasures

Up in the morning, cup of coffee and toast. Warm house. Furry friends. Last night, a warm bed, warm knitted hat on my head. Health. Yes, I feel healthy. I feel strong.  Yesterday evening I took the dogs to the side yard for play time. We have to limit their play because they limp afterwards. So we aren't throwing the ball. Instead I did a walking meditation around the yard and they followed looking puzzled. When I was walking toward the east there was a full moon above the opened field. When I was walking west, the sun was setting behind the neighbors palm trees. The trees were a delicate filigree against an orange sky. In that moment and this, all is well.

One Down Day

After all the excitement of my whirlwind trip to San Francisco, I arrived home Sunday tired but happy. On Monday, my starter wouldn't start. So I just laid low and hung out at home. By the end of the day I was depressed.  It isn't surprising after the excitement of the weekend.
Today Im heading for the gym. That should do the trick.

The Shower

Saturday Afternoon was the Baby Shower. It was at Neiman Marcos in Downtown San Francisco near Union Square. The shower was given by Katie's best friend, Susan Galvin in the restaurant called the Rotunda at the top of Nieman Marcus. It was high tea, with little sandwiches and cakes and designer teas..
We had a lovely time. Here are pictures worth a thousand words.

Rotunda

Cousins

My weekend in San Francisco

I had a fabulous weekend in San Francisco with Katie and Bruce. I arrived Friday afternoon and jumped on board with Katie.  We went to the Filmore where she had her hair done. I wandered the neighborhood with my iPhone app and found a great little coffee shop called 'Bean There'.  I hung out there for an hour or so, then back to the salon to watch the very skilled hair dressers do their magic. Then it was dinner at Spork and home to sleep early. Katie needs a lot of sleep as do I.

Playing Baby Yoga

Bruce is a natural with Adelia

On Saturday, the day of the shower, Greta and Adelia (Greta's 3 month old daughter) came over for a while. Adelia is absolutely beautiful and the spitting image of Greta. She is a happy girl. 

Letting go

Katie said something to me yesterday that really hit home. She said I am trying to continue the dysfunctional relationship I had with Mike for 42 years
Even though it is over. Of course it is hard to stop habits of thinking that have been in place for so long. Steve taught me that you cant really make these imbedded thought patterns go away without a prefrontal lobotomy. But you can create a stronger picture to replace the old one. What stronger picture do I need than the thought of Katie giving birth to my grandson? So I'm going to work that picture up in my mind. I'm here in San Francisco for Katie's shower. It will be easy to stay in this moment as I sleep in the nursery surround by baby things. This is the picture I will take home with me. What a gift!

Hanging out

Katie is having her hair done. Im hanging at a coffee shop called Bean There. Free wifi!

Thinking about Mike

On the airplane today I sorted out some of my feelings about Mike. I put my thoughts on the blog I'm writing about him.
http://danielmyson.blogspot.com/2011/12/thinking-about-mike.html

Going to SF

At the airport Feel great. Going to the social event of the season. Katie's shower at Nieman Marcus!!!!!