Conflicted

There is a battle raging within me. It goes on day and night, when Im awake and when I'm asleep.  It is the source of this cancer that has taken up residence in my body and wrapped itself around my gut like a snake, squeezing harder and harder and taking the life from me.

I must honor the message my body is giving me if I am to survive this.

"If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you" Siegal

The snake has a forked tongue. One fork is the anguish I feel over Mike and his tragic life. The other fork is my longing to live near my family and participate daily in their lives. I long to move all my animals to Northern California and have my own house so that I can be there but also have a space to call my own. Do I want Frank up there? Im not sure. If he ever were to decide to make the sacrifice and move to Northern California with me, he would be unhappy. He would be constantly pointing out how much better it is in Southern California. It is wonderful here. But,  Its not where my family is!!!

I would rather leave him here than put up with this niggling comments about how this is better than that, or 'I like the other way better'  The other day I moved Frank over to ATT because the family plan is cheaper than having him with Verizon by himself. I took him into the ATT store and we picked out a simple phone for him.  It is very similar to the one he has been using that I passed on to him when I got my iPhone. Sure enough, later in the day he said, 'I like the old one better' I just lost it.All the frustration Im feeling over this situation seems to be summed up in this small incident. Whenever I push for any kind of change in our lives, he goes along with it if I push hard enough. But later on he starts hitting me with zingers like, 'the old way is better' 

I had a conversation with him last night AGAIN about my hunger to live near my family. He didn't say much. But this morning when I got up he had left me a note saying that Im getting the best medical care in the country here. He was still home when I read the note. I said, 'Yes but I don't get my family! I don't get to be there for Sierra's birthday, or spend the weekend with Adelia and Greta. I don't get to play with Reileigh or Avery. I don't get to pop over to San Francisco to have lunch with Katie. I don't get to go on photo shoots with Scott or have lunch in Petaluma with Steve and Mary. What I get is chemotherapy.

I feel like a child watching Christmas through the window. But I can't get in. 

When I need someone to take me to the doctor, can I call my sister or my brother? No. When I need someone to take me to pick out a wig, can I call my sister? No.  Im on my own down here. Yes I have friends who have offered to help. But they have lives and families and obligations. I don't want to burden them.

Thats it for now.